Which is to say. I’m dropping the ball.
I’m exhausted and my mind is in a fog which seems to be swirling in a manor very unnatural to fog. It’s speed more like clouds foreshadowing a tornado. I have so much information and inspiration that has been dropped on me these past three days that I am barely able to pick out one thing from the next and even if I were able to, there’s no way in hell I’m going to be able to achieve any sort of focus to do anything with it.
I tried to nap.. twice. Both times the outcome was laughable, only I’m not laughing. I felt slightly trapped yesterday and today that feeling has been intensified and I’ve spiraled into (almost) panic mode. Sleep is of the utmost importance and I don’t care if the temperature is -2 or 102, I feel like I need to get home. The more I think about it, the worse it gets. I also feel that the very fact that I can go home, is not helping.
If I couldn’t go home, my brain would not be lingering on the idea. I would have dismissed it and moved on. As it is, though, my cat is home alone and my warm bed is there too. I could leave right after dinner and have my car safely in the garage before negative double digits arrive. And so I lie here, with one of the longer breaks we have been given, while the fate of the rest of our semester hangs in the balance with the decision of the mentors being made.
How my year has been and what my goals are or were and if I have met them are very far from the front of my thoughts. I don’t have the desire to look up how I did on sleep these past two weeks or steps or talk about food or exercise. I really don’t care and I know all of that will be there waiting for my when my left brain kicks back in. I’ll get to it. I have no doubt. But not today.
I’ve also jinxed myself twice today already and am afraid because bad things come in threes. I told a gal at breakfast (yes, I ended up sitting with people at breakfast – they sat with me actually) that I don’t get many headaches anymore and I stopped taking OTC pain meds like Tylenol and ibuprofen and instead I take curcumin. It’s an extract of Tumeric and a natural inflammatory and it really works. Later that morning I got a headache.
Then I told someone, who I believe was the same person, that I don’t drink soda. And now I’m having a huge craving for Dr. Pepper. I’m a hypocrite if I walk out the door of my room to the vending machine and get one. I’m hoping if I wait long enough the craving will pass. But what’s next? I sure as hell am not going to say anything to anyone about my fear of breaking down on the road on the way home when it’s -9 out. Ooops. I just did.
Now that I’m up and writing, I feel a little better. When people ask me why I write, perhaps this is what I should tell them.
I’ve got a few options on what I can do until dinner which is now 40 minutes and counting. It’s early tonight, due to the NYE celebration and I’m thankful. I should be able to eat in short order (and I am staying to eat because that fancy holiday dinner was included in the cost of my “fee” for staying here), but after that, I think I’ve decided to go home. I also want to see if they reveal who the mentors will be this term.
I guess this one is a cliffhanger and you’ll just have to click back in next time for the big reveal.
Stay Safe and Warm!