2018-02-09 The Return Of Hope

It was a day like any other. Little did I know when it began that in the end it would go down in history as the one where everything changed.

That’s pretty good right? Doesn’t it just make you want to find out what happens next? Or is it so overused and cliche and lost in a pile of 1000 other things that went on in any given day that altered the course of things? And who really cares about the possible states of being? It’s all just one parallel universe stacked up next to another.

If that thing never happened it would all be different, but how much do you dwell there after the fact? Probably not a lot. You just go on today toward tomorrow doing what you do. You live your life in the best way you know how to. I do too.

Nothing life-altering happened yesterday but perhaps today is the day.

I don’t have a crystal ball either, but I’m afflicted by hopeless romanticism. I just can’t fucking help it. You know, that’s how I was built and I can’t change that. I really haven’t wanted to.

I once had a “friends with benefits” relationship with a guy. (I can’t even say “dated” anymore because I’m eternally confused about the definition of that.) it was about 6 months long, arguably, and in the end, after he had already opted out for another girl and subsequently came back, I opted out for another guy.

He warned this other guy about me. That I was looking for poines and rainbows and a perfect sunset sky complete with a fairy tale happy-ever-after. Those are my words and not his and that’s how I remember it. But I’m not just remembering it now.. I wrote about it then and it has stayed with me for seven years.

It has been a thought lingering in the back of my brain from the moment I started seeing that other guy through the end of that relationship and right up to this very minute.

I think about how it’s spot on but not a complete picture by any stretch of the imagination. Seven years ago my written retort to his comments were “yeah, but what girl wouldn’t want those things?” I’m sure there are some who don’t but my guess is that most do at least on some level.

To round things out though, I’m not that two dimensional. I don’t just want all those warm fuzzies from something wonderful, I’m also looking for someone to walk beside me in the tough moments. Someone I can help up when they fall and someone to help me up too. Life can be so long and boring and shitty at times and I recognize that. It’s not a fairy tale. That was the inspiration for this…  “Long Talks and Sidewalks”  which is the one I have pinned to the top of my public poetry collection (and of course where I ask not to be brought cut flowers 😉).

At the end of that last relationship I wrote another one,“My Perfect Sunset Sky”. This highlights the fact that I DID expect something that was not sustainable/possible between us in the way of building that life together. I did want more and he was not capable of that kind of a commitment. I think that and the breakdown in communication between us were the two main reasons that had to end.

That conveniently allows me to put the lion’s share of the blame on him. But I’m the one writing this history book, so it’s my prerogative to draw my own conclusions and set them into words.

It’s Friday again and I don’t know what the day will bring, but I’m hopeful. The ending of that relationship temporarily stripped me of hope for the future. I remember laying drunk and alone at the top of the stairs at my house last year thinking that was it. I was destined for never finding someone for me again. I cried so hard and I screamed at the Universe for cursing me (drunk SugarCookies do that).

I struggled for several months and hit the lowest point in my life (and I’ve been through some shitty things). It took just about all of 2017 for me to regain my sense of hope. I feel like I’m back now.. and better than ever! Today could be the day where everything changes… and it’s time to go live it so I can find out. 😊

Hopelessly hopeful and loving it!
~Miss SugarCookie

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