Hey, do you remember back in 2016 when my life was going to shit and I was in a serious downward spiral that landed me in a very dark place? No? Oh that’s right, I wasn’t blogging publicly then yet.
Well during that time I experienced a phenomenon which was like relationship max-out. I basically told my story and lamented to just about everyone close to me and did that so much that my own mom basically said “you need to get over this”, and then suggested I go see a counselor or therapist or something. I was a sad song stuck on repeat.
I started to feel very isolated because of that. Like I had used up all my friendships and could not go back to the well for more support. Well, the truth is that I don’t have that many close friends. I felt like I was being a burden on people and a serious downer if i continued to lament and complain. As if people would stop wanting to listen if all I did was talk about my uncontrollable crying fits. It was seriously rotten.
I think the only person who didn’t seem to mind hearing me go on and on about things was Joshua. His life is a broken record too so he was open to hearing my tune go on and on for months. He was my closest friend that year and I’ll be forever grateful for that outlet no matter how potentially dysfunctional it was.
I go back and forth on whether dysfunctional is too harsh a word. The history with him and the dynamics of our relationship are atypical. He was an instigating Force in my divorce. He repeated that with Matt and I let it happen. I welcomed it. I both loved and hated him for what had happened. I blamed him and I blamed myself. Now that it’s all over and in the past, I can accept the lions share of that blame. I can see just how messed up his life is and how he may never get out of his own cycle of madness.
I’ve recovered and my life is now better than it has ever been. He and I have very little contact and the “power” he once had over me has dissolved into nothing. He’s found another girl to replace me here locally and also keeps embers smoldering with his long distance fling in STL. I don’t think he’ll ever break out of his pattens, but I hope I’m wrong. I do wish he would find what he’s truly looking for like I have.
What was my point again? Oh yeah, the feelings I’ve had about “using up” all the people in my life and feeling all alone in my sorrow. I don’t wish that on anyone. Everyone needs someone they can lean on continuously. I think that’s one of the benefits of being in a long term relationship. You always have that person, no matter what. That’s one of the things I didn’t have with my marriage. Neither one of us were that for each other. And then what happens when they are the person causing you the most grief. That’s when you know it’s all wrong.
I’m so grateful for having found Jim. He’s the kindest, most supportive and understanding person I have ever met. Literally.
I’ve now been sick for 8 days and today is day 3 of antibiotics. Last night I took a ton of drugs for my symptoms and slept for about 9 hours. It wasn’t 9 hours straight.. it was cut in the middle by a coughing spell so bad I thought I was going to hack up a lung. I couldn’t even lay back down after that. I basically propped myself up and tried to fall asleep in that position.
This morning I woke up at 7 with the alarm and realized that my life doesn’t care I’m sick. It Doesn’t want me to rest and recover. I still have to get the kids up and to school. I still have to address the fact that my star student is suffering in her grades this year and is stressed to the max. I have to deal with my ass-hat ex-husband who continues to do shit he knows pushes my buttons. I still have to get my hours in at work and my bosses don’t care I’m sick. I still have only 5 days to put together my next packet for school which, outside of writing some really shitty new poetry, I have done nothing for. Ugh!! 😑
What was my point again? Oh yeah, the feeling like a burden constantly complaining about something. Apparently I don’t have the same problem writing about the same things over and over. I’m sure it’s not something someone wants to read over and over, but whatever. The good news is that now I’ve got Jim too and he’s been supportive as ever. Not just in the last week of being sick but each thing I’ve struggled with. The stress of work, the BS with my ex, the needing to tune out the world to get the school stuff done. He’s been a great listener and offered some good advice. He’s been understanding when I was short on time and sacrificing our time together to catch up. I could not ask for a better partner. I’m one lucky girl. 🍀
In 2016 I was so desperate and alone and could not imagine ever feeling happy again. Now it’s 2018 and I can’t imagine ever feeling desperate and alone again. I have to remember that the future is unpredictable and whatever you can’t imagine, can come to pass. For that reason, you have to enjoy each and every day for what it is… a gift (even if you are sick and tired).