Yesterday turned out to be a good day despite all of the anxiety that I am feeling around things going on with work and with my house. After I wrote out what I was feeling about the upcoming conversation I’m going to have with my boss (or bosses ) about my involvement in various projects I felt better and that was followed by a day where I really only did a minimum amount of work for the “dreaded” project.
Instead my time was spent on the “other” project and also taking care of business for my house. I went to the title company office and signed about a gazillion papers releasing the property. It was a bitter-sweet moment. I was alone, a single girl who has built a life and made great choices. I bought that house on my own. Not that I have anything to prove to anyone, but my dedication and commitment to working and pursuing more has paid off. I did that on my own and hopefully it’s a good example for my children.
Yes, I tried hard for too long to be everything for everyone and learned the lesson of what that can do to a person the hard way. The changes in my status over the years, both professionally and with relationships, are a result of choices I had some control over. I own that. I hope my kids can see that too and that ultimately I had to make “course corrections”, because we have to be in control of our own fate. Though I know they will have to learn their own lessons in life and that, at times, it will be tough. That’s just life.
Now I’m “giving up” that single life and autonomy for a new adventure. I’m beginning a life as one half of a team… the best, most supportive team. We will make decisions together and he’s accepted me and my children and all the nuances that come with that and I have accepted him and his burdens as well. In turns, we will take care of each other. I always say that you can’t predict what will happen tomorrow, but I suspect it’s going to be pretty fucking great.
As a single person who has been treated poorly in relationships and suffered through divorce and come out of all of that successful – financially secure, happy, and healthy, it takes a great measure of trust to give up independence. I’m not going to sugar-coat this next bit. This “leap of faith” was made so much easier by virtue of the fact that it means I don’t have to try so hard anymore for that financial security.
The burden of monthly bills is being lifted and now I will have more freedom to chose what work I do (or don’t do). That’s what makes the conversation I’m having with my bosses this week possible. If I was dependent on that paycheck, I would be stuck. Yes, I could always quit and get a new job, but that’s a tough road too. Now I can be bold and tell them what I want and need and if they don’t agree, I can exit. How that story will turn out remains to be seen, but it will be soon.
Obviously other factors for this path I am on now are required… Jim is awesome and crazy about me. He’s a thoughtful, hard working person and has been so supportive of all my choices already. From School to work to issues with my Ex, he’s listened and offered advice. All of that makes me more confident about selling my house and surrendering that independence.
As of yesterday, that’s a done deal. I’m in it now and that’s what people mean when they vow “for better or worse”. It sounds a lot like marriage and even though we are not there yet, it’s tougher to go through all the emotional strain of moving and negotiating house sales and making sure the kids are good and blending our families in daily life than it is to stand in front of some people and say some vows. Well physically doing the standing and vowing will be easy but the actual life-long commitment part maybe not so much.
I’ve got a whole other post about marriage brewing but I’m not “there” yet with it. One big thing at a time. Last month it was the move and settling in, this month it’s the house, and next is the job sitch. I’ll tackle “wedding planning” at some point but I gotta slow the roll or end up with emotional overload.
Today aside from one meeting I have with my financial advisor, I’ve got no other plans.. well aside from work to do on my “dreaded” project. I’ve continued to be focused on the project I worked on over the weekend to finish the second iteration of our deliverable and still “owe” about 16 hours of work to my main project. If I work 5 or 6 hours in it for the next three days, I should roll into the weekend all good.
It will be my first weekend without the kids in like 5 weeks and what I need is a lot of QT with my sweetie and some nice R and R. I’m really looking forward to that.
Time now to go “earn” that.