2020-04-21 Second Draft

I just realized when I was posting my words today that I have been mixed up on my dates for several days now. I started typing this morning and had the date as the 19th and of course it’s not.

In other news.. A friend of mine made a comment today about life in the time of Covid taking so much brain power and it’s so true. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my brain just feels strange lately. I mean physically. And it feels like the more I try and focus, the worse it gets. And then at the end of the day it’s so bad, it almost feels like it could be some sort of a headache but it doesn’t feel like a headache. More Like a brain ache.

I tried to describe this to Jim a few days ago. I used words like medicine-head and dizzy-pressure and focus-strained. These, of course, are not words. Just words mashed together with hyphens and that is what ends up happening when there is not a word that describes what it is. I told him it starts in the morning typically; right after I get off the treadmill. Like somehow my brain was moving forward with my body and the treadmill stopped so my body stopped but my brain tried to keep going inside my head.

Then I go to work and it gets worse. Too much screen time maybe? Exacerbated by caffeine perhaps? I think too much about it and that makes it worse. Kinda like having a migraine and the stress of worrying about getting a migraine and how that is going to effff up your whole day makes the headache worse. A self-fulfilling prophesy. Kind of.

Then I think after having experienced this quite a few days in a row now that it has got to be something bad going on. Like a brain tumor or bleeding on my brain or some other nonsense that might explain my symptoms. Then I think that it makes sense that the Universe is trying to balance out all the good things I have going for me right now with some dastardly shit. Just like that, I puzzle out that it has to be a brain tumor. That’s the best explanation.

I tried a little experiment. Cut the morning walk and see if that solves the start of it, but it didn’t. It just delayed the onset of my symptoms until later in the morning. I still felt the same feeling worse and worse as the day wore on. There might be something to that “too much screen-time” theory. Now that I think about it, that should be my next experiment. Just not have any screen time at all and see if it still happens.

The alternative? I mentioned to Jim the other day in the car that I need a referral for a new PCP. I haven’t seen my old PCP in ages and though I could go back to him, I figure Jim knows people and can find a good egg for me. I haven’t gotten the answer yet. He just said “it will have to wait until the Covid is over anyway.” I know I can’t argue with that.

Unless it is a brain tumor. That seems pretty emergent.

I had a meeting with my mentor this morning that was usurped by work. Another scheduled at 4PM that I cancelled because I just wasn’t up for it and it wasn’t required. I pushed both off to tomorrow so really just kicking that can down the road. I want to be “all there” when those things happen though so it’s better to wait. I don’t want my brain tumor getting in the way of any important business.

Instead of having my 4PM meeting, I’m hanging out with my daughter on the couch (which is rare cuz she hardly ever comes out of her room). We chatted for a minute but she’s more into communicating with people on the outside with her personal electronic device. I wanted to read a book, but could not focus. It’s such a nice day out, it feels wasted right now, but I’d rather be sitting on the couch with my DD while she types and I type, alone together, than anything else right now.

It will be short lived as I have another work meeting at 5PM which I can’t shrug off today but am expecting an important phone call just after 5:30 and will have to duck out of the meeting to take that. The gal I’m expecting a call from may or may not call at 5:30, but it’s important for me to talk to her soon-ish. More on that later, perhaps.

Anyhow, that’s my second draft today. That’s probably enough.

~Miss SugarCookie

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