Having another one of those days. You know.. where I just want to tell the world to efffff off. Not you darlings though. Nope.
This mood has been a fairly regular thing these weeks, I’m finding. I was soooooo tired this morning and tired of being tired. Caffeine helps but then I feel bad about being addicted to caffeine. Then I tell myself there are much worse things to be addicted to and that I’m being to hard on myself and then I pop another pill. 🤷♀️
Often I go round and round about this, and the result is always the same so why do I keep doing this to myself when there are bigger fish to fry?
All of everything that I am concerned with is small. I have to remind myself that it’s tiny, tiny potato’s. Not enough to make one single helping of mashed taters…. AND that I have to not take anything too seriously. If I can just go about my day, with this in mind, it would be better.
So much has changed in my life yet it’s bizarre, like super strange, how much never changes. A few days ago I remembered a blog I started on Tumblr in like 2010. A little bit of writing I had missed as I was organizing and backing up all my files for a rainy-fucking day that will never come.
I logged in and pulled all those posts to my laptop, next stop is the external hard drive. I digress.
Last night I began to reread these posts for something to do before bed. Super unproductive but whatevs. Mind you all that was written 10 years ago, so finding some of the same “issues” I’m still dealing with is … well….. comical. I mean, how else can I look at it?
Yeah, I’m still struggling with body image issues and obsessive about my weight. Yeah, I’m still trying to eat healthy and failing. I still hate social media. I still worry I’m a bad parent. I still get irritated by my ex and lament about wasting time. I still have trouble sleeping because I can’t shut my brain off. I am still too concerned about what other people think. And I’m still listening to the same music.!! 🤣
- Listening to ‘Beercan’ by BECK.
- Messaging with darling daughter about how she can get her second vaccine shot because she missed her appointment last Saturday.
- Drinking strawberry ginseng fizz in water for more caffeine.
- Tried to donate blood today and failed cuz my iron was too low.
- Thinking about refusing to do any social media shit for GLR. Just flat out saying “I don’t care, someone else can do it.”
- Rescheduled 2 meetups this week cuz I didn’t wanna, including my dad today. Selfish, but I don’t care.
- Bought discount cut flowers at the grocery like a hypocritical BOSS.
- Procrastinating calling a tow truck.
- Procrastinating cleaning toilets.
- Procrastinating <insert everything here>.
- Put periods at the end of all my bullet points cuz that’s the way I am. Not sorry.
I already had a website/blog when I created that Tumblr 10 years ago. The purpose was so that I could let loose all the random thoughts I had that were not exactly “blog” worthy. Or rather, all the shit I was thinking that I really didn’t want on my primary and publicly promoted site. Anything a little angry, or seedy, or jealous, or needy.
It’s actually some funny stuff. Reading it I forget how much I enjoy my own sense of humor. And again, a good reminder not to take anything too seriously.
The last post there was late 2016, when I hit rock bottom. Or like right before I hit rock bottom. Like a hot 10 seconds before I drank myself down a drain and hit my head on the concrete at the bottom of the sewer.
Not sure how long I was out, but the day I woke up wet and covered in shit was the same day I decided to start this blog.
I haven’t needed that alternate blog because I have this! And I have you!! My oh my. What a day of epiphanies!!! Seriously!!!! 🤣
Why taking caffeine and saying “I don’t care” out loud makes me feel better, I don’t know. But I love it.