2022-01-21 What’s Done is Done

Two days ago I was writing about my uncle in the hospital and today my dad had to make the tough decision to pull the intubation tube out of him, presumably the only thing keeping him alive. His body just could not take all the trauma of surgery and apparently he’s suffered many tiny strokes since they tried to relieve the pressure of his subdural hematoma. 

He only lasted an hour. Not even enough time to get him moved to a different room. 

Just like with my step mom in 2020, there was very little notice. And eerily the same, I was en route when I received the news. Perhaps I have some sense about the dying and having no desire to be there when it happens, I actively put off going until it’s too late. 

Strange though that I had already resolved to go and was in my car and on the way. It’s happened like that twice now.

No matter. What’s done is done. I went anyway and ended up driving my dad home from the hospital. It was ok. Lots of him trying to fill the air with words so as to avoid any uncomfortable silence. 

Silence with people is never uncomfortable for me. I think it’s ok just to be quiet sometimes, being together and just thinking. Or listening to music or something. 

We went through Panera drive through and had dinner at his house, just the two of us. 

It’s my sisters birthday and it didn’t hit me until later that if they had any choice at all why in the hell would they do this today? Did they want this to be a dark cloud on her birthday every year? I say “they” because, as I wrote two days ago, my dad is incapable of making decisions. So his step daughter was there to help. I’m sure she made the call. Thank goodness for her, but again.. today?? Really?? 

I’m sure I’ll have no say so about anything that happens with regard to arrangements but then again, it’s probably better that way. Or maybe it’s not. I’m on the fence about it. 

On the one hand, I don’t want the responsibility but on the other, I’m sure it’s going to end in a service that in my opinion is unnecessary and will most undoubtedly be overpriced. If they are going to cremate him, I know this store called Hobby Lobby that for sure has some covered vase or box for the ashes. 

I guess the “family meeting” at the funeral home is Sunday afternoon so I suppose if I want any say I’ll have to show up. 

Anyway, that’s it for today. It’s late and I have to try and crawl out of my current headspace to finish out this very atypical Friday night. 


~Miss SugarCookie

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