2022-03-04 Questions without Answers

First things first.. in the exactly one week I’ll be doing my first (and possibly last) ever in-person public reading AND it’s crazy to have been invited by THE KATE GALE, founder and editor of the Los Angeles Review and Red Hen press. It’s the launch/tour for her latest book, The Loneliest Girl, and her first stop after the launch in L.A. is Nebraska. For any local peeps reading this (<<clears throat>> Vis 👀) here’s the link to details:

Reading with authors Kate Gale, Shyla Shehan, & Dave Mainelli

Pageturners Lounge (in Omaha) next Friday, March 11th at 6PM.

I would love to see some friendly faces in the crowd (and hoping for a crowd as I really want Kate’s trip here to be a success).

I say it’s possibly the last public reading of my own because lately that’s how I’ve been feeling. I put so much god dammed pressure on myself to perform. After a week of migraines and feeling stressed over proofing my chapbook AND not writing anything new lately that’s worth a shit, I’m seriously questioning what’s wrong with this picture.

That’s part of why I’m writing this. I’m desperately in need of reaching a conclusion. 

We’ve fallen into a new month and if I take back and look at how I did on my goals for the last, what I find is that I’m rocking all the physical things and failing the mental. Failing at meditation, finding peace and balance and failing at all the lofty goals I set for myself. But why? 

Why is it that the Universe has handed me a golden key to all I’ve ever wanted and yet I put so much pressure on myself like I’m still not doing enough? It’s the same damn pressure I always put on myself when I had a career. More money, more projects, more status and exemplary evals. Why am I still doing this if I don’t have to? Why can’t I strike a pose on this balance beam that’s comfortable? 

Like I said, this week I’ve been dealing with migraines and it got so bad that the miracle drug, sumatriptan, didn’t work. That day it was the final proofing/editing of my chapbook that put me down. I literally had a personal meltdown over my bio and acknowledgement pages. Not to mention the poems with long lines not fitting the pages. There are two and part of the aesthetic is lost when the lines wrap unnaturally. I had to really think about how they should wrap to try and retain the right look. 

I’m kind of a perfectionist so every little detail is important and I spun myself into a tizzy over all of it. Then ruined date night with Jim by getting a migraine. Lucky for me I married the kindest and most understanding person on Earth. 

Speaking of Earth, I can say for certain that the latest developments in the Ukraine have also got something to do with my mood. 

I’m asking Alexa for the news and hovering Google all day for the latest developments. Another madman is at the wheel and there is nothing to be done but tune in and watch it happen. He has to be stopped and all the “aid” in the world is not going to help unless it’s actual solidarity and show of force. 

But Putin is so mad, he’d actually start a nuclear war to make a point. A sane person would realize their mistake and back down. But he’s not in his right mind. He’s infiltrated the nuclear plant to gain control of that. Risking a chernobyl -like meltdown to get to that next goal. 

Meanwhile a million people have fled the country. Talk about a border crisis. Another nation absorbed by Europe. I wonder of America bordered Ukraine what Biden would do? I read a crazy news story about how they are trying to grant those already in USA more time on temporary visas so they don’t have to go back. It’s crazy because that seems like a no-brainer and not fucking news. 

Of course they can stay. Is that even a question??!! 

My daughter is watching tik-tok to get the news and that’s scary too. The fact that this War is broadcast live across the globe (except in Russia I presume) is mind blowing. Not just because the high likelihood that misinformation is possible, but because of the things we might see that we can never unsee. The wildest reality television show ever. 

It feel very much like the news of Covid from overseas just before it hit hard stateside. We’re on the precipice of entering into an even bigger world crisis than the pandemic and huddled around our devices and there’s nothing we can do about it. 

Yeah, so my reading is in 1 week and in one of the communications with the other readers Dave says, Barring World War Three, we’ll make it happen. 

That was a few weeks ago. Who could predict how accurate that might be. So much has happened in the last week, no one can predict what might happen in the next 7 days. I’m trying not to be too scared (or let my empathy take me down) but it’s definitely having an affect on me. 

But what else can I do but press on? 

Today is Friday and my primary focus is not focused at all. I have to finish prep for my daughters 20th birthday celebration tonight, finish the book edits, do all the Friday social media for myself, the reading, and the lit mag. It’s all too much!! 

That’s it. My time is up and i didn’t find my conclusions because of all the tangents but maybe tomorrow will be a better day for that?? 

Peace, love, and kindness, 

~Miss SugarCookie

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