Historically, I finish things I start. Unfinished business really tugs at my brain (and heart) and even worse if that involves tarnishing my reputation in someone else’s eyes. For all the times I’ve tried to throw my hands up and say “I don’t give a fuck what other people think” I should have learned that saying it does not change the fact.. FACT.. I do care. Its just who I am and, I think, human nature to be concerned with the opinions and judgements of others.
The trick then becomes achieving sanity by drawing a circle around the people whose thoughts and feelings matter the most and those you can truly let go of without a lot of internal turmoil.
I have my circle and though different people wander in and out of it, some are tried and true.
Soooo…. this is going a different direction I intended but free writing tends to do that. That’s the beauty of it. The brain knows what’s most important in the moment and also, somehow, that not finishing my latest vacation series is NOT that big of a deal. It won’t bother anyone but me so I can let it go.
After all, the person I’m most used to letting down is myself so what’s one more thing on that list of disappointments? Nada.
Anyway, so I will never write that final Epic Summer Road-trip post or the one in my brain that followed about my stupid worry of a resurgence of my depression once Jim and I returned to our regular routine. It’s not stupid but kinda feels that way.
I did feel a little twitchy for a few days into the work week. Triggered by random messes in the house and Jim’s busy schedule. But I was super busy too so that helps. He also made an effort to spend extra time with me in key moments of the day because of the things I expressed to him on our trip.
On our drive home I basically took the opportunity of dedicated time in the car to have a serious heart to heart about all the things I’ve been feeling. If you’ve been following along here, you know what I’m referring to.
Hold up though… in my not finishing (or even starting) writing about the end of vacation or current events since, I’ve also glossed over the fact that I recently celebrated the 10 year anniversary of the day I turned 39. Another year come and gone and what have I done?
<<insert a succinct list of 10 accomplishments here>>
Anyway, back to giving a shit about what people think. I can’t help it. I do.
I have this deep desire for everyone to like me and that, my friends, is unreasonable.
Let’s take a closer look….
I want my ex-husband to like me and also his long time girlfriend too. I “like” her posts on Instagram and have gone out of my way to make sure she knows I appreciate her positive influence (and stabilizing affect) on my children’s lives.
I want all the people who volunteer on the TGLR team to not only like me but have the impression that I’m doing a fantastic job at running the show. It really is my job now and impressing my employers has always been important to me so this makes sense. Except I’m the boss in this case. Still, I don’t want to do anything that lets the team down.
I also want all the interactions with submitters to be positive. This includes those we publish as well as those who withdraw their work and those we decline. It includes everyone from the MFA program and all the artists who have volunteered their time as judges for our contest. The list is quickly growing and this desire for maintaining a certain reputation for the lit mag and for myself kinda takes over sometimes. I put it as a priority above other, more important, things sometimes and that’s probably not healthy. Again, it’s the same thing I used to do with my career.
Give me a thumbs up if you’ve been there. Sacrificing time and sleep as well as mental energy for a job after hours or in the middle of the night. /I’m looking right at you Vis. 👀
The list of people I want to like me goes on… former co-workers, acquaintances, family outside my immediate, blah-blah.
It’s genuine, you know, and comes from the heart but sometimes I need to take a step back and draw that circle in a little closer to my body. Sometimes I’d like to say the circle is a circle of one. Just myself sitting criss-cross-applesauce with some book, laptop, notebook, or just the beat of my heart.
As it is with everything in life, the key is balance. And the trick is maintaining that balance every day. A little of this and “time box” it so it doesn’t take over the day. I don’t know if I’ll ever master it. I do have a habit of spending 4 hours longer on something than I originally intended.
That’s why I don’t spend time on social media. Too much of a rabbit-hole and ain’t nobody got time for that.
I digress… but isn’t it all just digressions some days?
On those notes, my hour is up and it’s time to move on to the next thing. Perhaps there will be more again soon but I’m not gonna make any promises. I don’t want to let anybody down. 😂
Peace and Love,