On October 21st, 2010.. twelve years ago I wrote my first post on my first blog. No surprise, it was a poem. It was titled Day By Day and it was about the act of starting each day by reflecting on the day before, and then “jumping in” again from there.
It was a giant leap of faith for me. I had been journaling and writing poetry for a long time but always in private. Then one day, someone I knew suggested I make my words available to the gen pop on a blog. The “someone” was a person I was sort-of dating at the time (hi Vis) who believed in me and my potential. To this day, despite going our separate ways in life, he still checks on me from time to time and offers encouragement. He’s one of the people in the “inner circle” who I have talked with about THE BLOG.
If you read yesterday’s post about THE BLOG, you know my current angst about it and how I really don’t talk about it. It exists, serves a purpose, and then I move on.
Holy buckets, everything is cyclical and eventually comes full circle.
Here I am, twelve years after that first post, reading what I wrote yesterday and gearing up to “jump in” and write more.
But what more is there to say on it in just a short time? Honestly, not a lot. I mentioned I was going to be visiting with a friend and discussing it with her. Normally, when I am at my “home away from home” in Austin Texas, THE BLOG would be all about that.
You know day 0 is a travel day, day 1 is the first day of catching up, day 2 we get into the deeper stuff, day 3 is probably a super chill and/or planned event day. It’s not our first rodeo and there’s always time to write about it because we have this comfortable routine that works for both of us. I get the best sleep and have time to myself to exercise and write because she still has all the work/mom/wife things to take care of. Sometimes I go with her to pick the kids up from school or go to a soccer or volleyball game, and sometimes I use that time to do my own thing.
She always carves out quality alone time for just the two of us and that’s when we can go deep into unpacking the events of our lives. I can’t quite describe what this experience is for me, but it’s always therapeutic and rejuvenating and satisfying and even though we are here, in her home, she says it feels the same when I am here–it’s relaxing and easy and satisfying for her too. Which is so lovely to hear.
Anyway, yesterday was day 0 and I used the travel time to continue to gather my thoughts enough to write what I posted yesterday about the drama I’ve been going through in the last week/week and a half. In the end, I obviously decided to post it, and re-activate my blog, but also knew that it would be so easy to set it private again if I felt any regret or angst after posting it.
I actually did that. It was public for a few hours, then I had second thoughts and set it to private again. Then at some point today I was tempted to see how easy it would be to change this setting from my phone. It’s crazy easy. And while this kind of wishy-washy behavior is not ideal, it is helping me make progress in sorting through how I feel.
How did it feel posting again and having people read and like my post? How did it feel thinking about the troll reading what I wrote? How did it feel knowing my husband might read it? How did it feel when I set it private again? Etc…. Each thing seems like a test. And I’m inching closer to more conclusions.
But today was only day 1 here and we have not yet “unpacked” this latest drama and I really want to get my friend’s opinion on the whole situation. I’m pretty confident we’ll get to it tomorrow.
As I said, I would normally write about the actual things I am doing on vacation while here, but today, I just don’t have it in me to do that. It’s past 11:30 PM and I want to get another good night’s sleep tonight so that’s going to be it today. I will, however, drop that little twelve-year-old gem of a poem here for posterity (gotta love those classic shyspark end rhymes)…
Day By Day
I read what I wrote and then start again–
jump into this day from yesterday’s sin.
A bump in the road, a thing at the right,
adding one, day by day, from morning ’till night.
Oh when will I get there and how will I know?
With a smile and a handshake at the end of the show.
The only words that I heard were “Please play again.”
Adding one, day by day, from beginning ’till the end.
Peace and Love,