Truths are revealed. 

I haven’t written in a while, so today (for the 280th time), I’m writing about writing. Or rather, why I haven’t been writing. First I need to back up a smidge and speak frankly about the “veil” I’ve referred to in the title of this post. 

I think that sometimes we all walk around in our day-to-day lives with a guard up. This guard is made up of all the rules, roles, and responsibilities we are beholden to either because of choices that we’ve made, experiences we’ve had, or personal belief systems. It serves as protection from getting hurt or making repeat mistakes. It can also keep us from change and personal growth if we’re not careful. 

I use the word “veil” because that’s the word my therapist used in our latest session when we were talking about my being overly sensitive or in a heightened state of emotional awareness just before my menstrual cycle starts. Some people refer to this as PMS. The “S” stands for syndrome, which makes it sound like a bad thing, but in this case, it’s the opposite. When I am in the week before my period, my veil becomes thinner and I’m more easily able to remove all the layers preventing me from seeing truths that are at the heart of a matter.  

Sure, I may also be emotional and those emotions may become more visible to those around me, but that’s not a bad thing either. I’m human. It’s normal. What would be abnormal or wrong would be to act on it in a way that causes another person harm, and I don’t do that. For example, if a person were reading this blog to find details and then use those details to try and stir up trouble in my life or cause harm to my relationships, that would be wrong. Only a bad person would do that. 

Anyway, I happened to be talking about how emotionally charged I have been the last few days and how I have been thinking more deeply about what activities and ideas seem to generate excitement, interest, and energy. I always want to grow as a person and feel that I’m sometimes stuck in a rut without understanding why it is or how to snap out of it. One of the “activities” that’s been particularly troubling is my writing. I haven’t written much lately, for the blog or otherwise, and haven’t even been inspired or motivated to. 

However, I know for a fact that writing is how I process the things I experience and that I have historically and often used it as primary means to figure out how I truly feel about something. It helps me work through complex situations and has lead me to artistic expressions I’m compelled to share (um… poetry). In short, writing, and blogging specifically, are important to me. So why the long hiatus, what’s the trouble, and what has been revealed with the lifting of the veil? 

The answer, at first glance, seems complicated. 

If I were to try and draw a Venn diagram of the situation the focal point might land at the intersection of my desire to be seen/heard (and understood), a need for control, and ongoing attempts to find balance and fulfillment in life and not regret how I spend my time. The reason it feels complicated is that these factors all stem from experiences – from adolescence, from my first marriage/divorce, and from things that are currently going on in my life – that are tangled and not easily separated. 

I want to write, but is it worth my time? I want to post to a blog but what if someone uses my own words against me? I want the literary journal I co-founded to be a success but recognize that my work on it is not as fulfilling as I need it to be. I want to publish my poetry, but fear it is not good enough. And getting down deeper, what am I truly supposed to be doing with my one precious life? Good gravy, could it be that I’m just meant to exist and be happy and not worry so much? 

With this, one can easily see (read) right through the veil to the heart of it. That what I’m seeking is peace and happiness and the REAL TRUTH is exactly that. If I’m not writing anything, it’s OK. If I don’t write another poem in my life, my life still has meaning and value. If I don’t blog anymore, I will still be visible to those who care about me. And if I back away from one project to pursue another that brings me more excitement and joy, that’s OK too.

It’s all OK. And will be OK. I’m going to be OK. What a relief!!

Whew! That was rough. Glad I forced my way to the end. Very satisfying.
If you stayed with me, thanks for reading.

Peace and love, always,
~Miss SugarCookie