The last few days have been strange in the way it feels I’m living certain days and events of my life over again. Today it continues and I’ve been “hit” with one more. This one on a much more personal level.
I was just doing random chores around the house and finishing dishes in the kitchen when I received an unexpected phone call from Simon. He often calls me after Work meet ups to talk through thoughts about them. Not too unusual then.. until he starts talking about the possibility of not staying in Omaha.
This is the first time this has come up and my immediate reaction felt like a punch. I should not be surprised given his history of moving around and the fact that his daughter lives in another state but I always got the impression he was happy here. I also have tried to shield myself from thinking too far in the future for the fear of exactly how this makes me feel.
I feel unimportant. I feel limited in what I can offer as a partner because my kids come first. And given the history of my failed relationships, I lack confidence in the possibility that things really can work out. Somehow I feel destined to always be faced with heartbreak.
This is so very close to the scenario with Matt. He’s not happy with his life. He’s not sure about staying in Omaha. He wants me to consider uprooting the kids to live somewhere else. Our relationship was not good enough for a real long term commitment. It’s impossible for me not to equate all that with what I heard this morning.
I’ve been seeing Simon about 3 and a half months. The last month and a half, more seriously. I’m emotionally attached and have allowed myself to be completely open for getting closer and seeing where it goes. It’s probably time for a conversation about “us”, but that’s scary because it might force the tough questions and even tougher answers. In a way I’ve been avoiding that. Fear is a bitch.
I know what I want from life and my partner and I know what my expectations are. I have to be honest about that. I have to be straight with him and straight with myself. Yes, I have to.
Matt and I failed to talk about these things for 5 years. I know history is repeating itself, but that can NEVER happen again. I need to get over my fear and have that conversation. Today!
Not ALL history has to repeat.
Cheers to Tomorrow!