There is no escaping reality. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Well.. I’ve tried enough to feel really shitty for a couple of days after drinking too much. That’s where I was last year in the weeks leading up to and following Christmas. I hit rock bottom and did not want to live anymore. I was not suicidal, but I remember thinking I just could not do it anymore. Something had to change.
What I am writing now is not about that, nor is it about my failed relationship with Matt or any of the details behind why I had to quit my job. I’ve gone round and round those topics so much, there is no need to repeat it. What it is about, is now, and how no matter how much I try to just hum merrily along to life’s sweet melody, there are tough things to face and facts that weigh heavy on my mind.
I’ve been enjoying a fair amount of success with just about everything I try, for a long time. One thing that seems to dodging me, has to do with relationships. More specifically, romantic relationships. This year I attempted to dip my toe into the dating pool and got in enough to realize how unpleasant the water is, and got right back out again. I did, however, find someone on my way out.
We met on July 23rd and it was very slow to start. In the month to follow, I only saw him a couple of times and a few of those took me way outside my comfort zone, but I kind of dug it. In September we started seeing each other more and by October I was staying over at his house some nights when I did not have the kids. That continued into November as I became more and more comfortable with things, and not worried as much about how he feels about me. The other thing that I realize more and more as time goes by is that he’s not right for me.
I’ve done so much soul searching, self-evaluation, and analysis of past relationships in the last couple of years, I think I have what I want and what I need from a partner pretty nailed down. I’m “in it to win it” so to speak. I want someone for the duration. The duration being.. the rest of my life. I need someone who wants and needs me, which one would think would be easy to find. I want a partner who I can challenge and who will challenge me so we can elevate each other and be better human beings. I want someone who wants to be active and healthy with me. I want someone who likes to travel and experience new things. I want someone who I can communicate with and who does not have issues with communication. Obviously I want to find a good person with a kind heart. There’s lots of fine print, but these are the general overarching qualities.
I don’t want to just completely dismiss the fine print, because we all know the devil lives in the details. Maybe those general things above are fairly easy to come by and can help me rule out certain people very easy on (if I ever decide to date again). The tricky part is determining if any of the details will also be a deal breaker. This is where my logical mind starts to wreck havoc on my thought processes. The problem (or curse) may not even be a logical one, but instead just my tendency to overthink things.
As of right now, my brain has started compiling a list of these details as far as Simon is concerned and most of them have little red flags attached. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of positives too, but how do they stack up against the other side? In a world ruled by balance, if the scales are tipped too far the wrong way, it’s hard to ignore.
If I were to start listing out some of these details one might think I was certifiably crazy, but I am who I am and I know what I am capable of overcoming and dealing with and what I am just not. I also know some things based on my historical relationships, and if those red flags present, then it’s for sure trouble, because it means it was something I could not get over.
- I don’t want to be cold. If the house is set below 70 degrees, ever, that’s not an environment I can be comfortable in.
- I don’t want to have to drive across town to see someone, and if I do, then they have to split that driving 50/50. In fact, it’s great if most things are 50/50. If I end up doing most things myself (including paying for things), then forget about it. (obviously more applicable if living together).
- I do fad-diets and go through cycles of eating and not eating certain things. I not only don’t want to be judged for this, but I also want to be supported. In this category is also my love for cheeseburgers. I love them. I can’t be dealing with a cheeseburger hater.
- I need someone who is interested in what I am doing. This is an extension of the thing I said above about wanting someone who wants and needs me. They don’t have to be interested in poetry or writing or gardening or whatever, but if it is something I’m doing, I want them to be interested in that and care enough to ask about it and talk about it.
- I can only compromise so far when it comes to my parenting style. I don’t know how much more I want to or need to change how things operate in my house. I’m all ears when it comes to advice, but I’m not going to start parenting differently. This is obviously bigger than a bread box, but becomes important when I start thinking about living with someone.
Thus far, my time with Simon has been good. He’s a good person with a unique and refreshing outlook on life. He’s a happy, positive person who is interested in health and well-being and staying active. We’ve had some great moments and I’ve grown as a person because of things we have done together. I’ve had instances where I felt such joy and the warm feeling of happiness inside.. and at least once where the words “I love you” almost slipped out of my mouth. However, I can’t help the slow methodical creeping of thoughts and those “red flag” instances piling up on one side of the scale.
The biggest thing at this point is his general approach to living. He wants to live in the moment and not think about the future. That, of course, is contrary to one of my biggest items.. the longevity of the relationship. If he’s never going to be thinking about the future, then there is no future for us. And if there is no future for us, then I’m not down for that. I spent five years of my life with the last guy, without a promise for a future, and I don’t intend to do that again.
So even without the temperature, distance, and parenting discrepancies, that’s the big thing. If somehow that changed, and he was suddenly wanting to plan a future and we started talking about that, the other things would come into play. There are elements in all five of the issues above that concern me.
The latest one happened yesterday when he made me a burger. He asked me if I wanted cheese and I said that I would defer to his taste on it since it was his masterpiece. He said he never eats cheese on a burger because it does not seem to have any benefit for pleasing the palate and that the two (burger and cheese) are really not meant to be paired for that reason. Now have you ever heard such blasphemy in all your days? I know I haven’t.
That was probably the last straw. Now I know I said you would think me crazy, and I does not hurt my feelings if you do, but this little nugget weighing on my mind, on top of all the others, just solidified what I already knew to be true but was in denial because I wanted so much for it to be just wonderful.
As with all things, timing is everything. It’s the holidays and we have plans coming up this weekend when his daughter gets back in town. I need to wait out the current PMS phase to see if my feelings will soften a bit, but I just can’t envision enough of a change in the dynamic to warrant some re-consideration.
I recognize my own failure in this process is my lack of communication which is partially due to a fear of rejection. I’ve been enjoying our time and did not want it to end so I’ve been mostly silent on all of this.. Including the cheeseburger comment yesterday. I need to be able to fix that. I’m just not sure how.
Just another problem my logical mind will most assuredly try to solve in its spare time (hopefully not while I am trying to sleep).
Enough for Now,