Well folks, it’s been three days and I’m finally seeing the sun. Overnight the clouds cleared and it was a beautiful sunrise on the horizon. There’s definitely been more than overcast skies casting a dark shadow on this week. I’m supposed to be relaxing and enjoying quality time with my friends and yet I’m unable to train my thoughts on the prestrmt time and space. It’s because my heart is back home with people who need me.
My daughter is having a rough week and is not getting support she needs to be successful. Her father is not around and she apparently has no one there to help her. It makes me feel sick and lost to hear her cry and constantly get email lamenting her thoughts. It makes me feel guilty that I’m not there in her time of need.
I’m also somewhat unable to disconnect myself from thoughts wishing I were spending my week this week with Jim, or just having a regular time at home, working and getting all the things in my life done that I need to do. I’m not sure why it is I continue to plan these sort of trips, and then just don’t enjoy them like I should. The grass is always greener in my head and I have to try and look on the positive side.
This is another first – one blog post across two days. Yesterday was the 13th and I started writing that post shortly after the sun came up. Now it is the 14th and I am again writing, just after the sun has peaked over the horizon of the water. The day yesterday went like a whirlwind and after those first few moments when I was alone with my own thoughts, I did not have another moment to myself for writing anything. Lots of time to think, of course, but no time alone.
Shortly after I got dressed, we went down to do yoga outside, and then breakfast, and then we went to the pool (it was the first and only day of sun for this trip), and then we proceeded to drink and talk all day. And when I say drink and talk all day, it’s not an exaggeration. We talked at breakfast for a couple of hours and then by the pool and then lunch and then by the pool again and then more talking and drinking at dinner. I’m exhausted from all of it. I’m definitely an introvert who needs time alone to recharge. I’ve been so happy to wake up every day with the sunrise, which has been amazing but I’ve also been so grateful to go to bed in the evenings and be at peace in my own space. I’m very much looking forward to being at home again and have things get back to normal.
But what’s normal?
The other night at dinner my girlfriends and I had a serious discussion about me not telling my ex I was getting married, like I had done something wrong by telling other people and not telling him. Like he has some right to know, especially if it meant finding out from someone else. I just didn’t see it that way I guess and at the end of the day, I’m barely scratching the surface of what it means for me and how my life is going to change and how my Children’s life is going to change. My ex was the least of my thoughts. Truly.
I’m worried that it’s all happened so fast and I want to slow it down. Yes it is very exciting and I am happy, but it takes me time to process things and I’m just now starting to think about the changes ahead. It’s scary. Part of me thinks about the fact that you can ever really be 100% sure of something, because you don’t know what is around that next bend. Do I really have all the information I need to continue going forward on this course and what are the consequences of my actions.
I wonder and worry if my daughters sudden issues with school and stress are directly related. Is she already making waves to get my attention because she is, on some level, also worried about what is next, or losing me, or some other thing. She already has one parent who is awol most of the time, maybe she thinks that is going to happen with me as well. THen I wonder if I am overthinking things. Then I start to question my choices and that leads me into this space I am in now, on some wonderful tropical girls getaway vacation not able to enjoy myself.
Not to be dismissed is the fact that it HAS all happened so fast and faster than my typical taste would be comfortable with. Last time I got married, it was also hasty and other things were on my mind and yes, that was like a million years ago and I was only 19, but it doesn’t change the fact that I wasn’t ready then and probably am not ready now. Not ready as-in, that it hasn’t been long enough for me to have time to process to be more sure that it is the right thing. I may never get to 100% but at the very least I’d like to be 85% sure. That seems reasonable right?
It’s probably one of the reasons I have been slow to tell people. I’m still processing. I wanted to make sure it was all good with the kids and all good in my own head. I’m not ready to think about what comes next. I’m not even ready to think about what comes next week let alone the rest of my life. I’m not sure what I need right now. I’m not sure why I am feeling this way after what was supposed to be a nice, relaxing time at a beach resort. I just need to get home to talk to Jim about everything.
This time tomorrow I will be home and Sunrise will have happened in Nebraska and surely I will have a different perspective on things. I just need to take my time. I just need to take my time and in time, all will be worked out.
Time to be On the Move Again,