2019-05-12 Chicago and The Road Home

Our stay here was brief and as uneventful as it could be given the circumstances. My “mystery” sickness is better this morning and I forced down a bowl of oatmeal to prove it. If I had to guess what the hell happened yesterday I would say that it was a mix of a bad migraine and some lingering effects of air travel/dehydration/and 3 glasses of red wine that did me in. I swear the older I get the less I can drink without feeling like complete garbage. The glasses were tiny though, so it could not have been just that alone.

In any case, that ruined my entire day yesterday and the only thing on the agenda this morning is a quick stop back at the John Handkock building for another appointment and then picking up our rental car to get the heck out of this town. I’ll be driving and am really hoping that, despite the fact that it is mothers day, the traffic will not be nearly as dense as it was Friday when we made our way from the airport to downtown. (fingers crossed).

The plan this morning is to make a bee line straight back home… Iowa is a pretty enough state (more beautiful than Nebraska in my opinion), but it is very similar and there is only so much rolling farmland one can wonder at before searching for something more interesting to keep the brain occupied.

I sent my mother the obligatory “happy mothers day” text already. She’s in Colorado with my brother and niece whose high school graduation was this weekend. My dad (her grandpa) didn’t make the trip, of course. That kind of stuff just doesn’t seem important to him. He has three fairly successful children and four grandchildren who are on their own path to being independent and successful but he doesn’t seem to care. Its so odd to me.

I’m proud of every little accomplishment that my kids have and can’t for the life of me figure out what that man values in life. He dotes on his step great grandchildren as if they were his own and I’m constantly struggling with anger rising in my thought when he mentions it. I should be happy that those kids whose broken lives have a solid family they can turn to in time of need, but I can’t help but feel jealous that they are being given something I felt I should have had, and if not me, then most certainly my children. I know he values a greeting card, which seems stupid and wasteful to me. If I visit (because a visit in person is way more valuable than a stupid card) we chat and he pulls out all the cards he got from other people to show me. It’s a shitty tactic. How the hell is that supposed to make me feel. Sometimes when I think about it too much I get sort of angry and then I have to try to calm myself and let it go. It’s this internal dance I do just to maintain some form of relationship with the man.

My kids don’t really have relationships with their grandparents, interestingly, similarly to me not having one with mine. I have some vague family memories of good times (and bad) and that’s about it.

I guess that’s why I always think about mothers day as one of those hallmark holidays (like valentines day) that someone made up just to commercialize sentiments and make money. I don’t fancy buying cards or spending money on throw-away trinkets or even cut flowers that are just going to die. For what? To show someone how much you mean to them? No, I’d rather just say it in words – If I feel it anyway. Sometimes I don’t say it, and shame on me.

One year I was in Austin over mothers day and forgot it was mothers day and then when I was reminded (because Rebecca has kids and they were celebrating) I called my mom. She cried on the phone. “Dustin is in Colorado and Linsday and Jamie are both working and you are in Texas, nobody cares about me.”

“Well I care don’t I, and I called”. I said and then in a softer tone “Everyone has very busy lives and we all love you, and you know that. It’s just one day of the year, and we’ll have lots more days we can get together.” That helped I think but then I had to agree to go to lunch with her when I got back, which I did. It’s fine. It’s just the way she is. Emotional and self centered.

I don’t expect anything from my kids today. I’ve told them as much many times in the past. When I see them (which I won’t today), I’ll want hugs and conversation. That’s it. Nothing special. My daughter being the gifted and thoughtful girl she is has gone above and beyond in the past with putting together special surprises all on her own. I’m overjoyed that she wants to do those things when she knows its not necessary. One year I had the best mothers day gift a mom could ever dream of from here and it was very elaborate and spanned an entire year of our life. It was a gift that kept on giving, all the time. I may have written about it in the past but don’t recall right now.

They are with their dad today as I drive home from Chicago and I will likely not see them until tomorrow after school. Maybe I will get a text from them today and maybe I won’t. No matter.

Pretty soon now it will be time to pack up and walk to get our rental car. Next Stop.. Iowa and the Road Home.

Goodbye 900 Dewitt,

Hope we never meet again!

~Miss SugarCookie

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