It’s after midnight so it’s officially the 15th of June. It’s almost 1AM so I’m officially exhausted, frustrated, and dreading tomorrow. It’s no secret that I have a history of having issues with sleep. It’s right there in my list of categories. It’s one of the first things I check on my fitbit when I wake up every day. It’s one of those variables that I feel is super important in the grand equation of living a happy and healthy life. And just like a fair number of other variables, I’m pretty much failing at it.

Is that even possible? To fail at sleeping? Well I am here to tell you it is possible to fail at sleeping because I am doing it right now. I’m in a vicious cycle about it in my head right now. I think I can’t fall asleep because I’m too anxious about not being able to fall asleep. If that sounds fucked up, it is because it is. To make matters worse, Jim is in a deep sleep, and his breathing is so heavy and loud, it’s like a big gust of wind every three seconds like right in my ear. How can just breathing be so loud?

Well, literally, it’s not right in my ear anymore because I’ve abandoned my bed and bedroom for a different room in the house. So now I’m in the spare bed room and have obviously given up trying to sleep because I’m sitting in the bed with my laptop. I’m waiting for some sleep aid medication to kick in. I gave myself a good two hours of tossing and turning and feeling sick before giving in to the urge to take something.

That “something” is also a part of the story. I’ve given in a LOT lately to the crutch of something to help me sleep. I fear I’ve become dependent on the Xanxax. I say I’m not going to take it anymore and then I just shrug and cave and take the easy road. Well tonight I declared would be the night I would just cut it out. Cold turkey, as they say. Jim and I had talked about it. My Xanax usage is one of the suspects for some of my other daytime problems. I have to quit taking it to rule it out. So tonight was going to be the night.

We went to bed early. Like 9:30 and I was so, so sleepy. I thought, “no problem.” He and I chatted for a bit in bed and then rolled over to go to sleep. Obviously he did. Obviously I didn’t. I was feeling pressure in my head and had an upset stomach. I immediately started to think about all the things I am worried about in life and just could not get my mind to settle. I maybe fell into a half sleep for a bit, but whatever that was didn’t last long and I was tossing again.

That’s when the breathing became to much and I left. I tried to sleep in the spare bed, but no dice there either. I’m bothered by the pressure in my head and also feeling nauseous. I think about the Xanax and how I need to break myself from needing it and round and round I go. I decide that it will be ok to take some other sleep aid instead of Xanax, just for tonight, just because I need it. If I can’t get some sleep I’m gonna be wrecked tomorrow. Now the past has caught up with the present and it is tomorrow.

I’ve decided there’s too many fucking lights all over this house and I wonder why it has to be such a creepy castle. Seriously. The candelabra flicker lights in the hallway have to go. All the string lights in the backyard are cool for parties and such, but we’re not having a party right now damnit. We’re trying to sleep.

I used to take these little blue pills to sleep, years ago, and still had a few in a bottle in my old medicine tote. I had to sneak back to the bathroom to get one. I’m sure by now I should feel it start to kick in but I’m not. I have no idea what is in that little blue pill. I suppose I should know that, right?

I can hear one of the two of my kids is also still up and it sounds like they just went to the kitchen to get a snack. It must be nice to just do that and know you can sleep in until noon if you want. It sucks to be an adult and worry about stupid stuff like not being able to sleep at night. Adulting is so dumb.

I’m gonna put the laptop away now. I’m gonna let whatever it is I ingested work its magic. Hoping for 5 hours.

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Apparently lack of sleep leads to bad ideas. The little blue pill was a big mistake. It was a horrible night. It’s going to be a terrible day. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, my body is confused about whether or not it should have a period.

My teeth hurt. I’m nauseated and dizzy. I took some more meds for my head and tried to eat. I just threw up. And now I’m sitting here feeling like I might have a fever. Could this be chills? Could I have Covid? Oh my, please somebody tell me what is WRONG with me.

Whaaaaaaahhhh. I want some relief.