2020-12-06 Catharsis

Writing, sharing, and letting go. Yesterday was good and necessary. The Funeral service was good. Strange to see so many people gathered together in close quarters. Strange to see so many people but not recognize them for the masks shielding their faces and emotions.

Jim called the funeral home which was in Iowa to ask what their policies were during this time. The answer was a very rehearsed statement about following the guidelines established by the state. Iowa has been notoriously loosie-goosie this year and so the guideline is the same.

No cap on max capacity as long as people wear masks (and the ceremony is religious in nature). Which it wasn’t. That’s not the kind of family we are. But that doesn’t mean we dont all have our own personal faith and spirituality.

In jest I almost added a “praise Jesus” at the end of the eulogy I’d prepared. I seriously thought about it. Like “here you go Iowa, here’s a line so we satisfy for your requirements.” But I didn’t. It wasn’t right for the moment. Plus, what are they gonna do anyway?! Bust in to these services and police the way people want to grieve? No, I don’t think so.

People need people and people need catharsis. I certainly did. When it was all over, the kids and I got in the car and drove home. As I drove I felt the weight I had been feeling all week begin to dissipate. It was good.

By the time we arrived home I was ready for food. I swear I haven’t had a good solid meal for several days and my stomach has been off. I immediately reheated some frozen pizza and popped open a new bottle of red wine. It was so good.

I ate the two slices and felt hunger so I reheated more leftovers. It was nice to eat and not feel nauseous. It was good to sit on the couch and sip wine and talk with Jim about the service, and my dad, and the family dynamic. Ironic that my brother and I were the ones to speak at the service.

30 years of being on the periphery has definitely taken a toll on me. In honesty I also started the feel the burden of strained relationships begin to lose its foothold on me as well. I’m hopeful I can now have more of a relationship with my dad. In good time I suppose.

After dinner my brother and his wife came over for a chat. It’s nice to be able to talk to them too without it being in a group setting. They are headed back to Colorado today.

As it turns out my youngest sister is now also in town now from CO for mom and her dad, who had a positive Covid test a few days ago. He’s actually doing ok so far and if that continues she’ll go back tomorrow or Tuesday. But she’s coming over to the house today. I haven’t seen her in many months so I’m looking forward to that.

Other than that it’s just Sunday. Just an ordinary Sunday. My kids are still sleeping, I’m walking on my treadmill, and will probably wrap and make breakfast soon. We’ll watch an episode of Rust Valley and I’ll pull my laptop out to see what I can do with the day. No shortage of things that need doing.

I’ve already scooped and fed all the other creatures here. I’ve still got dishes to do. Always with the dishes. Yeah, normal is good.

Time to stop walking and start doing.
Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

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