Whatever it was I had all week I lost. And I can’t exactly explain it. I mean, I can blame it on my period, I suppose, which has just begun. Middle of the night with a vengeance. My sleep was restless and by 5am I gave up and shuffled myself to the kitchen to get some ibuprofen. Those cramps. Ugh!!
But is that the reason I’m stuck on Day 4 of the Waking Up guided meditation app? I literally tried 3 times yesterday to sit still and listen and pay attention and follow along. I rewound to the beginning three times and then gave up.
I rolled into my stomach on my closet floor and just felt the ground under my body. The new carpet, the contact points on my exposed skin and just tried to be there. I quickly forgave myself for not being able to listen to the entire meditation session. I have to accept that I’m just learning and some days it will be easier than others. I said “I’ll try again tomorrow.” And so I will.
Then I sat up a little and stretched for the box of mindfulness cards I got for Christmas. I’ve been pulling random cards from the deck and it feels more like reading a set of tarot cards than anything else. Ironically the card I pulled yesterday was “let it go.”
I chuckled to myself, well I just did that so what now. 🤷♀️
I honestly didn’t feel like doing anything else. Sometimes I feel like I spend a lot of time waiting on Jim. He’s a busy guy and it’s ok when I’m busy too, which I often am, but on a Friday night I should not be waiting. Work should be done or put on pause. Projects too. And if I’ve made an effort to do that, and don’t want to start something new because it’s Friday night, then I should not be laying on my closet floor waiting.
After all, I have this problem where I’m so tired by 9pm and falling asleep and so being in that position at 7pm doesn’t help. I need to be doing something, talking, watching something. Something so that I don’t just crash out by 7:30.
We eventually made our way to the basement to watch a movie. It was not the most exciting thing so I had trouble. Some Amazon original movie or something else included free with the service, some true story about a British guy who was an explorer obsessed with the Lost City of Z. Over two hours long. We could not finish it. I think we have 50 minutes left. Neither one of us was that into it. They can’t all be winners.
So that was my exciting Friday night, followed by a sub-par nights sleep, and atypical Saturday morning. It’s already 11:30 and I’m just now on the treadmill. I’ll be heading over to CB today and after that taking my daughter shopping for a new desk. She’s decided to spend her own $$$ on a craft desk for the craft room. Probably we’ll spend some time in there organizing today. It’s almost done.
We’ve agreed that we’ll each have our own work area, with a desk and set of shelves. We have enough shelves and I don’t really need a desk, so I think getting her a desk will be the last thing.
I can tell I’m in a down mood because I’m not looking forward to any of this. When the thought of doing things you normally would enjoy feels like a chore, then you know the dauber is down.
I need to snap out of it. I’m not sure how.
Maybe I just need to let go more. Take a few days to back off even farther from putting expectations on myself. Can I just give myself more time? There’s no way to know what is right. Is there really no way to know?
I’m staring directly at the open notebook with my stats, goals, checkboxes, and the rest of the weekend that’s not filled out yet. Sleep, eating, mood, mindfulness, and exercise. My daily five, plus other to-do list items. Time to close that book for now I think.
I’m only at 5k steps but really not feeling this jam today. It’s ok. Like the meditation I’ll have another opportunity tomorrow.
Peace and love,