2021-11-04 Signs of Change

Lately it is so strange that each day feels nothing like the day before. One would think that at my age, shit would start being more predictable. Predictable like.. boring and comfortable. But ohhhhh those mood swings and ahhhhh that unpredictability. One night I get a great night’s sleep and the next night sucks ass. One day I feel hot and bothered and my bod is revved and ready and the next day I’m bundled in sweatshirts and thick socks saying “don’t you dare touch me.”

I think it might be perimenopause. I can’t think of a worse confession at this Universally unpleasant hour of the night. 

I can’t possibly be going through THAT because I’m only 34 and have a long road of ovulation cycles ahead of me. In my head my mom is only 40 or maybe 42 and just gave birth to my little sister who happens to have turned 31 this past year. See how the math just doesn’t add up?!

A few months back my husband and I had some new friends over to the house and I might have been talking about not being able to stay asleep in the middle of the night. It’s been a chronic problem for a while. I talked about the bad habit of getting up and out of bed and working on my laptop when sleep was elusive. I also mentioned Jim’s heavy breathing. 

The therapist in the group inched forward and gave me some suggestions and also alluded to the fact that hormones play an important role and that I might be experiencing some of what comes during this transition. She might have used the word perimenopause. I cringe at both those words actually.

I wholeheartedly agree that hormones are like the body’s balance beam. When things are off, it makes it terribly difficult to not fall. I’ve believed that for as long as I can remember or at least as long as my daughter is old. Having her was the result of my figuring that balancing act out. When I was finally successful at conceiving, it wasn’t with the help of hormones supplements. It was a matter of getting my blood sugar in check. Who knew a medicine for diabetics could cure infertility. Infertility isn’t the right word. I was just my body being off-kilter. 

I told my new friend thank you for the advice and said I would try her suggestions. I admit that I have pretty much failed at that so far. Like right now, sitting in a recliner with my laptop open instead of a book at 1:45am. That’s my lesser confession tonight.

About 4 months ago I had a “once in a blue moon” meetup of dinner and drinks with a few of my high school girlfriends. It was a lovely evening except for the conversation that kept creeping in about getting old and experiencing signs of “the change.” The change??!! What are we 60? I don’t know anything about the change and I’m good at rolling with most changes but at that moment I pledged to resist the idea for as long as I’m able. After all, I’m only 34 and that shit is miles away from where I’m standing. 

I really know nothing about menopause or what age it typically happens because frankly I don’t spend time researching things I’m not ready to deal with. So far, I’m OK rolling with the idea that in this case, ignorance is bliss.

Anyway, one of the ladies at dinner said that her man used to get upset because their temperatures were so opposite and they couldn’t share the same room or bed without one of them being uncomfortable. He was always hot and she was always freezing. She elaborated on how he said nowadays sleeping with her is like sleeping next to an oven. For them, the change has been good.

I’ve historically been in the “freezing” category too and have been notorious for controlling the temperature of any room to the point where other people feel uncomfortable. It has been an issue with past relationships for me too so I totally get where she was coming from. 

In fact, when I worked at the hospital I had a thermostat and wall unit in my office and people joked that I kept it 90 degrees just so nobody would visit me. That’s half true actually, but that is the way I liked it. People would come in and sit down to chat about something or nothing and before long they began to squirm and then just get up and leave. It was good because then I could turn my attention back to getting work done. 

Lately I’ve been noticing that my temp is going up. I’m opting for less clothing and turning the thermostats down in the house. If I hadn’t already had that premenopausal seed planted, I would have dismissed it as nothing. It’s not nothing. But realizing it, admitting it, and accepting it are three entirely different stages of grief. Grief over what exactly though? Would it be so bad not having a monthly cycle anymore?

Anyhow, the day before yesterday was really great and there didn’t seem to be anything magical about it but then yesterday something shifted and I was back in a funk. Nothing happened to cause that shift as far as I can tell, so it has to be all in my body and my mind. Maybe if I am able to go back to sleep now, and wake up, it will have shifted back. A girl can dream right? 

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

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