Today’s post is brought to you by the song “The Way” by the band Fastball, which I’ve committed to listening to on repeat until I’m good and satisfied with where my mind is going…

As a child I frequently daydreamed about running away from where I was and being somewhere else–anywhere else. Often that “somewhere else” was nondescript save for an element of connectedness with someone who cared about me. Most often it was about some boy who would love me enough to want to sweep me off my feet. A figment of my imagination that was likely conjured by elements that were sorely lacking in my real life. Mainly, love.

I didn’t feel love from my parents. I barely felt seen by them. And because I was largely a caretaker for my younger siblings, I often gave way more than I ever got in return. Hence my desire to be anywhere else with someone who cared. 

It’s probably that desperation that led me to fall in love with a person who never loved me back in the same way. I was a hopeless romantic which made everything hopelessly more dramatic than it was—bigger and more tragic if that was the slant of a situation (also I was a teenager, so raging hormones were involved). It was probably my (mostly internal, because I was otherwise invisible) grandioseness and desire to escape that making marrying that person and following him across the country to Las Vegas seem so appealing.

Did I ever tell you I found out recently that he asked me to marry him because it was “either that or break up” and also that he had been drinking when he proposed (over the telephone)? 

I knew he’d been drinking when he called me. But the part about the whole thing being an “either that / or break up” situation is new-ish news.

I found out from one of his best friends (groomsman at our wedding) recently after telling him and his wife that we got married because we were madly in love and couldn’t live without each other. They were like… that’s not what he said. Ha! 

I told you everything is bigger and more romantic in my head. 

No surprise that didn’t work out, I suppose, but I sure gave it that 18 year college try. 😂

Anyway… once I finally escaped that situation I was even more starved for love and attention than ever. This led to a series of decisions I used to regret. But I don’t regret them anymore. I have let go of a lot of the things I used to regret. Life is just life, after all. And of course all those decisions ultimately led to my living the life I have now. One in which I feel loved and cared for in a secure and stable environment—that just also happens to be in a very daydreamy castle.

Even still, when I came across the song “The Way” recently, that familiar desire to “run away” came rushing back. Just the thought of dropping everything and wandering away without a care or even “knowing where I’m going” feels so appealing. 

When I think about this now, in context with what I wrote a few days ago about happiness, I think what I’m really daydreaming about is changing my life in ways where I have more freedom from responsibilities. I just don’t quite know what that looks like or how to get there. I don’t know “the way”, you might say.

I do know that after a full weekend to myself, it does not mean any changes in my home life. Despite all the complaining I might do about litter boxes and dishes, that’s not what I’m jonesing to run away from. Though I’m not really domestic, I do enjoy providing for all the people and pets in my care. I enjoy cooking food for everyone that they like and I would not for a second want to trade the love I get in return. 

So all signs point to other aspects of my life…. Other things that consume my time and take effort that do not bring me joy. In my head, I’m zeroing in on it, but not yet able to articulate it. It’s been building but admitting “out loud” is something altogether different than just a passing daydream. 

I guess time will tell… as it always does. I’m confident that no matter what it is, it won’t take the 18 years that my marriage did to get sorted out and run its course.

I just don’t have the kind of patience and tolerance that I did when I was young. 😂

On that note… I’ve run out of patience, energy, and time for more writing. So I guess any real conclusion will just have to wait.

Until next time,
~Miss SugarCookie

PS. Here are the Lyrics to the song “The Way” by Fastball…

They made up their minds
And they started packing
They left before the sun came up that day
An exit to eternal summer slacking
But where were they going without ever knowing the way?

They drank up the wine
And they got to talking
They now had more important things to say
And when the car broke down
They started walking
Where were they going without ever knowing the way?

Anyone can see the road that they walk on is paved in gold
And it’s always summer
They’ll never get cold
They’ll never get hungry
They’ll never get old and gray
You can see their shadows wandering off somewhere
They won’t make it home
But they really don’t care
They wanted the highway
They’re happier there today, today

Their children woke up
And they couldn’t find ’em
They left before the sun came up that day
They just drove off and left it all behind ’em
But where were they going without ever knowing the way?

Anyone can see the road that they walk on is paved in gold
And it’s always summer
They’ll never get cold
They’ll never get hungry
They’ll never get old and gray
You can see their shadows wandering off somewhere
They won’t make it home
But they really don’t care
They wanted the highway
They’re happier there today, today

Anyone can see the road that they walk on is paved in gold
And it’s always summer
They’ll never get cold
They’ll never get hungry
They’ll never get old and gray
You can see their shadows wandering off somewhere
They won’t make it home
But they really don’t care
They wanted the highway
They’re happier there today, today