2017-11-22 Flipping the Script

Wow.. I haven’t written anything for a couple of days. I’ve also not exercised in a couple of days nor have I gotten my steps in. You could say I’ve pretty much deviated away from my normal script with regards to just about everything.

I’m not sure why that is. I sort of decided on Monday I was going to really crack down on getting some legit job searching stuff done. However, I have very little to show for it. I don’t yet have an updated resume, I have not actually applied for any more jobs, and I’ve really only had two job related conversations with people. Those were two pretty important conversations, but not enough to make up for the fact that it is now Wednesday and the end of the week because it’s a holiday. I guess that means most people and places aren’t working that much anyhow, so it’s OK if I don’t either right?! 😉

I do have friends in town for the holiday and have spent a little extra time with them this week. I also capitalized on the nice weather Monday to get my garlic in the ground (which it is way past due) and the rest of the hundreds of spring bulbs that I bought. I had to dig up some new areas for that, which is kind of like exercise, so I’m going to go with that. It does not explain yesterday and today, but I’ve really not been feeling that great either.

In fact, I’ve been battling a headache all day and I haven’t had a headache in weeks. On the one hand I’m like “wow, I haven’t had a headache in weeks and that’s so noteworthy”. I have a long history of headaches and quite recently decided to ween myself off of acetaminophen and ibuprofen. I’ve wanted to blog about that, and it’s on my list of things to follow up and write about. But now I do have a headache so instead I’m thinking about how much it sucks.

I’m still resisting the OTC pain meds, which means I’m trying to drink a lot of water and also have taken several curcumin pills (curcumin is a plant extract and natural inflammatory). I also tried to lay down to take a nap but my brain is not having it.. not with the night I have planned ahead coming up pretty quick now.

It’s the first night I’ll be accompanying Simon to some get together with friends of his and I’m nervous about that. He’s such an extrovert, I’ll likely just have to stand there and make small talk at the most, but still, the thought of being around new people (and those I will want to like me), is causing my social anxiety to flare up.

That all pales in comparison though to the thing after the thing. Apparently everyone is going to some Karaoke place and Simon is super excited to sing and has mentioned several times about me “showing them what I’ve got”. As if I’m a singer or something. I’m not a singer. I sang in choir in high school.. that’s it. Anything anyone ever did in high school doesn’t qualify them for shit as far as the world is concerned.

Yes, I did calculus in high school too, but that doesn’t mean I can bust out the pythagorean theorem and start solving complex problems. Yes, I had U.S. history, but I can’t recite the constitution or probably even name all the US Presidents. Yes I was in drama, but I can’t go to hollywood with a resume that says that and expect to get cast in a role. That’s just not how things work.

So it’s legitimately been like 25+ years since I sang anywhere in front of anyone, besides other Karaoke. Most of those times also involved a fair amount of drinking. I probably will not be drinking anything tonight, especially if I’m still fighting this headache. I’ve told him I’m not a singer. I’ve told him about my anxiety. He just smiles and says “it’s gonna be great”. Sure it is.

I’ve said before I appreciate being around people who push me to be more and do more. I want to be elevated beyond what my capabilities are now and I want to overcome my fears, so this is really great. However, it just doesn’t feel really great at the moment. It feels more like a tightly wound ball of yarn in my stomach being pulled tighter and tighter by the minute. No wonder I can’t sleep to try and rid myself of this headache.

I am going to give it another shot now though, since I’ve dumped some of what was in my head here now. Crossing my fingers for at least a few minutes of ZZZZZZZs.

~Miss SugarCookie

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