2020-12-13 “We Will Send a Car to Find You…

… if you ever lose your way.”

Last night I took my FitBit off because I went to bed somewhat early and realized that text messages buzzing my wrist were keeping me from precious sleep.

Consequently I have no idea how long I was asleep or what my sleep score was. I know I put the device back on just after 6am and that I feel pretty well rested. Perhaps that should be the measure instead of sleep duration or score. 🤷‍♀️

I stopped keeping track of my eating habits a few weeks ago. Thanksgiving week I think. I originally had a goal of boosting my protein, as a test to see if that would have a positive impact on my energy levels.

No definitive conclusion there. Too many variables to tell I think and the act of logging food (calorie counting) was having a negative impact on my psyche. Jim noticed it and made a few comments and that’s when I began noticing too. The calorie counting had led me to set (and continuously readjust) my expectations.

What started as a check mark next to healthy eating if my protein was 75grams a day became a check mark if protein  was > 30% of total calories (Not so harsh). But then it became a 1250 calorie diet with protein > 25%. Then 1000 with > 20%. Then any day < 1000 calories.

< 1000 is Drastically delinquent. I had days of less than 900, 800, 700. That’s a problem. Of course my energy tanked. Some switch in my brain flipped. I began equating the numbers with the weight I was able to lose and that was enticing. It’s far too easy to fall back into patterns of reckless behavior.

I look at myself in the mirror and the thinner I am, the better I feel about myself. That’s the mindset of a person whose self esteem is in some way attached to the way they look. And having been conditioned to think that super-skinny is sexy, I naturally strive for that.

It borders on eating disorder and when I begin to limit myself to under 1000 calories a day it crosses over into that territory. I know this. I know this and yet I did it anyway. The same way I know sometimes when I begin to binge that it will make me want to purge. I have to recognize it and limit the amount of food I eat.

It doesn’t happen very often but it still does. A couple of times a year. That’s the thing about eating disorders. They never really exit your body or mind. It’s not an experience you can suffer through and not have it haunt you. I’ll probably always be obsessed with the numbers on the scale. I’ll probably never believe it when people (like Jim) say I look great.

He worries of course. He sometimes engages me in conversation about it and, as it was with this last endeavor to get more protein, calls me out when he sees the slipping into bad behavior. It doesn’t matter how smart or logical a person is, the brain can still trick you.

I actually set my weight goal to 110 in the FitBit app. 110 is ridiculous. Like I said drastically delinquent.

So I stopped logging my food and calories. If I put some effort in I can probably get back to counting grams of protein but it’s not as easy without an app. The truth is, however, that even with the protein goal I don’t really alter what I eat that much. I end up substituting a protein bar or smoothie over an actual meal. Cuz I’m also lazy I guess.

So for the time being I don’t have a good measuring stick for healthy eating or a goal. Perhaps internally  gauging if I’ve made good choices and giving myself a check mark for that is the best I can do. It’s just such a slippery slope.

I could do the same thing for sleep. I mean, I do it now for productivity and mood. If I feel good and feel like I’ve gotten enough done during the day, then I give myself a check in the box.

I’ve been a poor accountability partner. I promised my friend T to check in each week with stats and how it’s going and that’s sort of been waning too. The week of the death and funeral I gave myself a pass but feel like today is the day to reach out and start checking in regularly again.

I think that’s it for today. It’s 8am and I’m going to take advantage of the quiet in the house to do a bit of reading and maybe writing. Put the fake fireplace on the TV and sip a coffee. Doesn’t that sound lovely?!

Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

PS. The opening quote is from one of my favorite Cake songs, “Comfort Eagle”

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