I’m satisfactorily rested and caffeinated. I’m in good spirits and so far feeling on top of the “sitch” today. It’s certainly still a very volatile status, kinda like that cliche about weather in Nebraska. Wait a day…. 

Case in point is that yesterday felt dire. I mean like “holy-hell-will-I-ever-get-my-act-together?” dire. Exhausted by a few chores and the “UN-Christmasing” of the house, I basically felt like a limp lump by 3 in the afternoon.

At some point I reached out to my friend M to see what her thoughts were and then later initiated a conversation with Jim about it. “Something has to change” I said. 

I’m now several months past getting over withdrawal from cutting the Benzos out of my life. My body should be back to normal, or at least baseline. A place ready to start fresh to try a new approach. Of ALL the things I want to resolve for 2021, this issue is at the tippy-top of my list. 

Sleep, daytime fatigue, and having more energy in the evenings when it matters most to my peeps. Last night I basically started falling asleep on the couch at 8:30 and was useless to anyone or for anything. Enough is enough. 

It’s January 2021.. It’s time! Let’s go!!

As I often do at the start of a new year, I’ve got big plans. Big ideas and dreams about what I’m going to accomplish or how I’ll finally figure out the balance equation of life. I’m working actively to resist this line of thinking now. Like meditation, my mind wanders away so easily and I have to refocus. I always feel like I fail at meditation because I can’t get my mind to behave. 

Yesterday my friend M offered some sage advice. About meditation. She said that it’s impossible to keep the mind from wandering and the trick is to let it play but be an “inactive” participant. Don’t feel like you have to take action on every thought. Just watch it play out like a movie. I think this is fantastic! I’m excited to try meditation again.

I’m letting that thought simmer as I determine the best course of action to take on my prime directive. The fatigue conundrum. 

I’m actively letting go of other potential objectives: eating healthy, exercise, productivity, cultivating relationships. But when I say I’m letting go, I’m not saying I don’t want to do those things. I’m saying I’m taking pressure off myself to have such high standards. I believe that if I can fix this one BIG problem in my life, the others will improve naturally. 

In support of this concept, instead of upping my goals, which is my typical New Year move, I’m actually backing off. I’m giving myself more room to breathe. Call it the anti-resolution, but a resolution none the less. 

It starts like this: 

1. Backing down to 10k steps a day as an exercise goal (as opposed to 15k). And not adding any other requirements to check that box each day. 
2. Back the sleep goal to 7 hours or 75 as a sleep score. 
3. Not weighing myself every morning. This one is BIG. 
4. Easing up on the self imposed daily productivity goals. Checking that box more based on mood and feeling than actual tasks accomplished. Trusting my instincts instead of relying on concrete proof. 

These are the real, measurable goals I use to gauge how I’m doing. It’s also what I use to report to my accountability buddy, T. I’ve mentioned this falling off the radar and we both agree we need to pick it back up again. In short, I’m still measuring but giving myself more ability to feel like a success. It also means I’ll have more time to focus on the prime directive. 

Again, talking about daytime fatigue, not prohibiting interference with the internal and natural development of alien civilizations (clarification for all you Trekkies our there). 

It involves meditation, getting quality sleep at night, and potentially naps during the day. And so far doesn’t include taking any sleep aid but it’s not out of the realm of possibility. I gave up on CBD oil, but Jim said I may look to a different manufacturer or type. Possibly. I also have Trazadone but the one and only time I took that I felt like crap most of the day after. Not looking to get hooked on another prescription drug either. 

What else? I suppose just thinking more not just about what but how. How to approach making steps toward this goal. It’s one thing to say you are going to try meditation but another entirely on how to start, and what measure indicates success? As with a lot of things, it begins with education. I’m going to spend some time with this and maybe include as a part of my “mood” goal each day.

You see how this anti-resolution can be a tricky-pickle? It really is. How do you stop thinking about something you are so conditioned to think about all the time. I think the answer is to do as my friend M says and let the thoughts happen but not necessarily act on them. 

An interesting experiment indeed. 

That’s it for today. Finally feeling that 2021 thing that’s happening.

Ready or not….

~Miss SugarCookie