I’ve got a lot of updates to share but that’s not what’s really on my mind. You know, the things that are going Ok like my daughter being 8000 miles away and my son enjoying life, save for maybe those shifts flipping burgers, or even my own stuff. It’s all going good and I’ve cycled around all the questions in my head so much I’ve worn them (and myself) out. I just don’t have a burning need to write about any of those things.  

The truth is that I don’t have a burning need to write about anything. And I believe (/she says with palms pressed together) that I’m well on my way to making peace with that. 

Peace with the lack of writing and acceptance with my lack of purpose. I kind of wrote about this in an essay that got published this past winter, that nobody will read because it’s in an obscure print pub that you have to know about, care about, and pay for. Honestly, I doubt that any of the other authors in the book will even read my story. My essay appears near the end of the book and I know from experience that I don’t read most of the stories and poems in books I’ve been published in. Who has that kind of time? 

I don’t. 

It’s been a rough week emotionally but today I’m in my happy place. I’ve got my music, my elliptical machine, and my kids and family are doing good. I might go for a bike ride or read a book. I might just woolgather for a few hours and then take a nap. What more can a girl also for? 

I’m meeting my mom at noon for lunch and to work on her late husband’s estate paperwork but aside from that I have no obligations. 

You know both of my parents are miracles of modern medicine. Not miracles, though, just proof that mankind has come a long way technologically. The collective brainpower of humanity has solved chronic problems like cancer and heart disease. Solved is the wrong word. Perhaps it’s better to say we’ve learned enough to provide care enough to extend life when those problems arise. If my parents would have been born 100 years earlier, they would not have lived through their medical traumas. My mom’s stage 3 ovarian cancer would have killed her before it could be found or cut out. My dads heart would have failed years ago. He probably would have been gone before he hit sixty. Yet here there are 77 and 78 and thriving. 

My dad still goes to work Monday through Friday at a seasonal job at the golf course. My mom has such a varied list of social activities and friends, she’s busy almost every day. And she doesn’t shy away from doing all the things she wants to. I don’t stop and consider that big picture on their behalf very often, but when I do, wow. They’ve been very fortunate. 

It kind of makes me wonder how long I will live. I’m pretty healthy and have crossed that threshold of when my dad first had a heart attack and my heart is healthy as ever (so says my medical chart). 

I’ve been genetically tested for the cancers that have occurred in my parents and grandparents. Those markers are negative so if I get cancer I think the trigger or source will be elusive. Plus there are so many early detection opportunities now that even if I do get cancer, they will probably find it early. 

I don’t have diabetes yet either which is something that has plagued my fathers side of the family. It’s a wonder too with my early-ish diagnosis of PCOS as those hormonal anomalies go hand in hand. I actually rarely think about that. The only exception is when I’m recounting the narrative of my infertility journey and what I went through before I had my little Z. 

I wonder if carrying two babies to term and breastfeeding increases or decreases the risk of certain cancers. Is there a positive or negative correlation? You know everything is connected so I wouldn’t be surprised. 

Unless I get into some sort of terrible accident, I think I’ll probably live for another 50 years. Can you imagine that?! 50 more years on planet earth?! I wonder what the world will be like then. 

More electric and self-driving cars. Maybe New Orleans won’t exist anymore. Probably the world will still be ending and beginning again each day. That never seems to change. 

That constant cycle of ending and beginning is a contributing factor to all those existential questions I grapple with on a regular basis. And there I go…. Trying to tiptoe into that territory. I just don’t need to go there. What I need to do is continue to embrace the good life and let go of all the worries. 

Where’s that mantra when I need it? 

You are good enough. You are good enough. Life is good. It’s all going to be ok. 🕉️ 

I think that’s going to be it for today. Thanks for reading. 

Peace and love, 💕 

~Miss SugarCookie