2017-04-12 Waking Up Wednesday Wondering Why

I’m so glad Tuesday is over. I’m so glad it’s Wednesday now and I’m waking up and get the chance to start over. Even more than that, I’m glad I had 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It was dream-filled sleep, but I’ll take that any night over waking up at 2 or 3 or 4 and laying awake for hours.

I did go back and re-read what I wrote last night when I was so tired and almost not able to keep my eyes open. Aside from the grammar and spelling mistakes, it actually made sense. I’m quite surprised.

And as fate would have it, just as I turned my light out I got a phone call from my ex boyfriend just to chat. So here’s an interesting situation now. I spent months in agony alone not understanding the state of things and grieving over being over and having almost no contact at all. I went through all the stages, you know, denial, anger, regret, bargaining, and finally, finally on February 22nd when I got my ring back, I felt I had reached acceptance. I was ready to be OK with the whole thing.

A month later, I’m in a pretty good place with it and I get bombed with info. If you’re following along that was the week with the Ides of March. Not only did I find out he was dating someone, or had dated someone else but he also reached out to me expressing sadness and regret. The first inkling of emotion I had seen in such a very long time, and I was not prepared with how that would affect me. I kept my replies upbeat, and surface level. I did not want to dive into the deep with all of that. It was the right thing to do.

Since then, I’ve had random text from him about weekly on one subject or another. Also surface level. Stuff like the weather and some wine he found he knew I would like, and how his family is doing. Just brief, harmless exchanges, but it really leaves me wondering “why”. Why contact me at all? Is it just to make sure I’m ok? Is it because he’s got an underlying need to feel like we can be friends? Or is there something more he is after? In any case, I’m not sure how I feel about it.

Then last night I got the phone call. He’s on a walk and feeling like talking I guess. We chatted for about an hour, again, just mostly catching up on what’s been going on, but nothing too deep. He did tell me he’s quit his job and that was pretty big news and I admitted to considering doing the same thing. Funny that we both are in the same place with our “careers”.

At about 11 I was truly done for and could not talk longer and had to let him go. I said we could do lunch or something sometime, and I was so tired, I don’t remember what he replied. I still really don’t know what to make of all of it. I feel like there are unsaid things that neither of us are prepared to discuss. Two months ago, I was ready to never have to say them, but if we continue to talk to each other, it’s probably inevitable. Who knows what the future will hold.

Like I said yesterday, I don’t have a crystal ball. I don’t know what is going to happen with that situation, or my work situation, or life in general really. I just wake up every day, hopefully after 7+ hours of sleep like today, ready for whatever may come.

Happy Hump Day,
Miss SugarCookie

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