Welcome to Saturday. In truth, it’s a day for me like any other. It’s gym time first followed by a writing workshop downtown and then I’m going to try and get a little more time in on a work document. My life is so exciting.
One thing good that comes from such a boring existence is a decent amount of sleep. I woke up this morning just after 5 and was able to go back to sleep for a few more hours of dreaming. And dream I did.
Last night the maker of dreams brought me incomprehensible insight into my relationship with both Josh and Simon. I don’t remember anything about the one with Josh and that one was probably inspired by the fact we hung out for a few hours at his house last night. That’s something I have not done for months and months.
We were planning to take a closer look at some self authoring, eye opening, life changing program he found online. Once I actually read the content in their landing page, I pretty much decided I wasn’t interested. Instead I helped him with a sewing machine and a little project to mend a few articles of clothing and then just talked.
With him it’s always the same story, only the days and weeks and years change. It’s not my story to tell so I’ll just drop it there.
The last dream I had before I woke up was about Simon. It was also really incoherent but the overarching “feeling” I had during the dream which lingered a bit after I woke up was that “I” was not good enough. It was just a feeling, but sort of sums up how that whole relationship made me feel.
Most things I did were inadequate. Some were indirectly stated through my interpretation of his words and actions and some were just flat out explicit.
I don’t have an issue with self esteem and I try and approach things with an open mind that there could be a better way of doing something. I’m not above trying new things and truly believe that’s the best way to be in order to learn and grow. So I was welcoming of the indirect criticism and even direct suggestions about certain things. However, feeling constantly inadequate was the result and that’s rotten.
Frankly, after some evaluation, some of the things I’m talking about were, in fact, not better. There might be a “proper” way to set a table and use a knife to cut with the right hand and eat with a fork in the left, but that’s just absurd. I don’t live in Buckingham Fuking Palace. I live in Nebraska and I’m an American who eats with a fork in my right hand. I’m sure that his ‘way’ comes from his British upbringing, but that doesn’t mean it’s better.
That’s just one example, but it’s a pretty good one. There were issues with my cooking and how he’s just superior but in truth, there are only like four things he made regularly and one of them was an omlet. Flipping an omlet in the pan does not equate to being a master chef and in my opinion, anyone who does not put cheese on a cheeseburger is just daft. Food is very subjective but there was a specific instance where I was made to feel bad about breaking a yolk when cracking an egg for fried eggs. For real!
Not only that but he went so far as to eat that one to “show” me how ok he was with it and patted himself openly on the back for that gesture. Yes.. for real!!
His habit of giving himself credit for these sort of things was just putting an exclamation point on both his self-centered nature and his general attitude that he was better than most.
At one point he said that he was proud of himself for being sensitive to my feelings. How on earth is THAT something to be proud of. You’re dating a girl and you feel the need to point out that you acknowledge the she has feelings? And this was after a conversation that left me tearie-eyed. So he made me cry AND THEN went on to say how wonderful he was to have recognized the effect that conversation had in me. Dude.. if you didn’t, you probably aren’t human. That’s nothing to be proud of. And even if you are pleased with yourself, maybe you should just keep it to yourself.
Several weeks back, before our breakup that wasn’t a breakup, I wrote about the fact that I wasn’t going to go into any detail about all his faults. Well.. that’s out the window now!! 😜
There’s more, but I’m going to try and keep it to myself. I guess I just haven’t achieved appropriate closure on that little experiment.
He’s supposed to come over to my place tomorrow to help patch a hole in my wall where the old thermostat and humidifier control panels were pried out. I only agreed to this because he owes me one and I don’t want to pay someone to do it. After that, I’m just going to let it all fade to nothing naturally.
Hopefully writing the unwritten will release me from feeling unresolved about all of it and my dreams will get the hint and just leave him out of the picture from now on.