I was talking to my friend Josh the other day and the subject of my ex came up. No, this is not going to be another post about that relationship and grief and how to get over shitty stuff. This one is more about my dietary issues. Which is largely a mental thing at this point. I’m healthy and mostly happy with the way I look but can never get away from that little voice in the back of my head that just wants me to give “a little more”.
It’s nothing new, which is why when Josh started talking about Matt my mind started wandering to a time when he was visibly irritated at my constant struggle. Human beings struggle, yo, that’s a fact.
Josh and Matt knew each other before we ever dated, which was so odd because Josh and I also knew each other well before Matt and I dated. It’s a small world. I guess they’ve been hanging out more and more lately and so when I see Josh, he will fill me in.
They have talked about my issues with diet and Matt has openly complained about how that always bugged him. That’s not new news. Again it’s just a reminder for both of us about something that wasn’t right. For him it was an annoyance about a thing he didn’t understand that sometimes meant I would reject partaking in things I like, like cheeseburgers and Sugar and drinking. For me it was an issue that he wasn’t more understanding or supportive. Just one thing in a list of several that is more clear after the fact.
Anyway, Now here we are in the 2nd day of a new month and my grand plan to try and cut back on Sugar has already hit failure. I’m blaming Halloween. I decided that November would be the perfect month to try to cut back on stuff that’s not great for me. I can do 30 days of anything. I proved that when I did the whole 30 back in January, but apparently I can’t as the temptation of chocolate and candy is too strong.
Be that as it may, I can still work on some of my other vices, calories I don’t need, and somehow try and feel better by doing that. As it turns out, alcohol is an easy win, I’m not very tempted by that so I’m committing to 30 days dry. I’m going to try and do the same with coffee and, also cut down on caffeine.
I thought about gluten and dairy too, but I know too much at once can force failure (and make me really grumpy) so I’m on the fence about those things. I really don’t eat/drink that much dairy anyway and I figure as long as I minimize the bread intake, that will be good enough.
What’s the goal? That’s the million dollar question. I would say that between the 5 pounds I gained after the whole 30 in February and the additional 5 I gained being in a new, happy, relationship, losing some of that would be awesome. The second million dollar question is.. how will Jim react or support me? When I told Josh about my thoughts about restricting my diet again, he asked me the same thing.
For sure Jim and I have talked about this before, and he wants to help me, but his angle is that he wants to help me get better mentally and get over my need to lose weight or restrict my diet. I’m not sure how he plans to do that and also not sure how he will react to my plan for November. I guess time will tell.
The kids are at my house this week so There’s nobody to support or not support me and I don’t have any social obligations that would make it difficult to stick to the plan. However, next week there’s more going on and I will be spending a lot of time at his house and that’s when at least one million dollar question will be answered. Isn’t one million dollars enough?
It should be. But I’m have to try and not make this into a relationship “test”. It needs to be more about just making healthy choices. It truly sucks to have the burden of constantly thinking about this stuff. It would be really great if my mind could break free from it. I’m just not sure how one goes about doing that.
Then I think.. it’s not so bad to want to be more healthy. Right??!! It’s an endless cycle. 🙄
Time will tell how I do with what I’ve decided for November. I should do a daily check in with myself for accountability. Hmmm 🤔 what would that look like? Something to think a little more about I guess.
Time to get this Friday Party Started!
29 days to go. 😜