It’s 3:30am and I’m headed into what I hope is the last long day of a string of long days that has left me sleepless, and full of Negative emotion.
Yesterday was the first day I didn’t go across the river to CB and the plans I tried to make with my brother didn’t pan out because his time is always at a premium when he’s home. My mom took prescient but that’s ok because she’s been needing company and someone to talk to lately too.
Today we’re having what I can only guess will be a small gathering of friends and family at a funeral home in CB for services for my dads wife. My brother and I are the speakers. I’ve had plenty of time to prepare. I’m glad to have arrived at this day actually, because I feel there will be additional release when it’s over.
The whole thing is kind of sketch, you know, meeting in groups and Jim is still on the fence about going. I go back and forth about it but really think I’ll urge him today not to go. The risk is too high.
I’m not immune either but I’m going to try to be careful and distant.
My mom told me she wanted to go, to support us and not only is that a risk too but it’s also awkward. Sure my parents were married for 17 years but they have also not really been in any sort of contact beyond events for their kids and grandchildren for 30+ years.
It’s bizarre to have them both losing their spouses at the same time. My mom suffering slowly over a number of years and my dad hit suddenly with tragedy. Life is truly stranger than fiction. As a teenager and even into my 20s I had daydreams of my parent’s reconciling. I think that’s normal.
I wonder if my kids have that with me and their dad. I don’t think so. They were so young when we split they probably don’t remember what life was like before that. Nothing to daydream about I suppose.
I spoke to my ex yesterday. He offered to come to the service too, to support the kids. I told him it was not necessary and that I didn’t even want the kids to go really which is kind of a fib but I really don’t want him there or my mom or my youngest sister either who is now suddenly back in town too because of her dad.
Yeah, life is a total cluster right now. As if 2020 wasn’t bad enough. But it will be good to have her home for a while.
Ten months ago my siblings all came home to celebrate my marriage. That was in February just before the Covid hit the fan. I never could have imagined at that point how this year would go and of course, I never expected all this either.
I have to remind myself that this too shall pass. Covid, winter, heightened states of grief, isolation, sleeplessness. It will all be over at some point and longer, brighter, better days will return. That’s just the way of things. You know? That’s life.
It’s now 4am and I’ve already got 4.5k steps. It really doesn’t matter what I do right now, it feels like it could be 7 or 8am. Yesterday I worked on GLR stuff in the middle of the night and it actually made me feel better to make progress on something. That lit mag’s not going to run itself!
There’s more I could do this morning (there’s always more) but I think the exercise makes me feel good. If I run out of things to write about I’ve got a healthy pile of poems stacking up in my in-box and on my shelf. I’ve got a lecture to write. I’ve got a reading to prepare for. I’ve got Christmas ornaments to hang. The house got halfway decorated by last Monday and nothing has been done since. I think tomorrow will be the day for picking back up on that.
I suppose that’s it for now.
Peace and Love,