Lately I’ve been wasting time watching more shows than I normally do. When I say “normally” I mean that normally I don’t watch shows at all unless Jim and I are sitting down for a chill hour of TV in the evening. And when I say “lately” I suppose I mean for the past nine months, give or take a few.
At this point I’ve substituted the writing I used to do from my elliptical and treadmill with watching shows. Maybe I could blame my writing slump on that, or maybe that has nothing to do with it. I honestly don’t know. And the better part of me thinks the reason doesn’t matter.
Yesterday I finished watching a show I found on Hulu called A Million Little Things. It’s about depression, suicide, relationships, cancer, and… well, about how everything that happens in life isn’t because of one thing, but about a million little things. Well.. not that those topics are little….they are huge, but there’s everything else too.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately and how I feel and it really isn’t one or two things. It’s all the things. All the little (and big) things piled on top of each other and everything is connected and, my goodness, so complicated.
I had a friend reach out to me recently asking what was in my noggin… and how I was feeling about my book, which has been released and loosed on the world at large. And the truth is that I’m still somewhat hiding from it.
I have a box of author copies and those I purchased for reselling sitting in my closet. It’s been there about a month. I gave Jim a copy and showed my kids and then closed up the box.
People I know who bought it have reached out and congratulated me and let me know they are reading it. And there’s been posts on social media too. Yet I haven’t done any of the things I’m supposed to do. I’ve been procrastinating. Bad.
That’s just one thing. It’s a big thing but it’s just one of a bunch of things I haven’t been able to wrap my head around lately. A dozen blog posts piling up in my brain that have remained unwritten. I feel I’ve reached the point of being so overwhelmed that I can’t even start. The best I can hope for today is to just acknowledge all the things.
- My son turned 18 yesterday. And I miss him because he’s not here. And he doesn’t want to do anything for his birthday.
- He graduates high school today and it’s been such a long hard road and he doesn’t want to celebrate. I’ll barely get to see him.
- His graduation almost didn’t happen because of his English final. Last minute revelation of a D- that he either wasn’t aware could keep him from graduating or didn’t care. It led to 24 hours of frustration and heads down work on his part to get it done.
- My daughter is finishing her second year of college, getting straight As, and moving out of the dorms and back home for the summer.
- It’s Mother’s Day and I feel like garbage about it. Getting well wishes from people and spent 15 minutes on FB that just made me feel worse.
- I had to do the good daughter thing yesterday driving my dad and sister to a tiny cemetery in rural Iowa for the 18 month delayed burial of my dad’s late wife. She died in 2020 and it took 18 months for the gravestone they ordered. The whole ordeal took 6 hours. And I didn’t make my kids go. Did I mention it was my son’s birthday yesterday. Nobody cares enough to ask me before planning it.
- This causes my angst about the family to flare up. How invisible and second-class-citizen I felt my entire life.
- After that I had to visit my mom to give her a shot and take out her trash. She lamented about being lonely and made me feel guilty for not being able to stay, but I needed to get home.
- Her latest surgery has taken a lot—Time, patience, effort to stay positive and get her everything she needs in the recovery process. I’m at the end of what I can stand with it.
- Drama going on with Jim’s business partner that is consuming all his spare time. We’re talking HOURS on the phone and that’s precious time we could be spending together.
- Jim’s son’s birthday was also yesterday and he graduates next Sunday so there’s a lot going on at the house for that and no place I can hide to find peace. It all makes Jim even more unavailable.
- The Spring issue of the lit mag is overdue as of yesterday and people are waiting on it and the only one who can finish it is me and I don’t have time. And my partner is AWOL and doesn’t care. I’m so fucking frustrated with our partnership. I wish he would quit. But can’t deal with more drama right now.
- Not only is my “new” writing in the dumpster, but I’ve gotten nothing but rejections I’m submitted work for about 6 months. I had one bright spot with the NPS in April but other than that it’s been all rejection.
- I learned this week My old house is for sale. My castle. And now my desire to connect with the owners and see if there’s an opportunity to get some of my beloved grape iris has become more urgent. Those iris that are in bloom this time every year.
Did I mention that it was Mother’s Day? A “holiday” I can’t stand and yet all these things are connected by that. A perfect storm of a million little things.
I can’t even articulate what I want, what I need… because I’m feeling so overwhelmed.
I’m walking the treadmill now but have to quit soon to get ready to go to the graduation. I don’t know how this day is going to play out… I just don’t even know.
Thanks for reading,