I put a lot of thought into almost everything. Too much sometimes and often to my own detriment. I might argue that over-analysis has led to some really great outcomes but chaos theory has a way of throwing off any statistics I might try to use to prove my point. 

Which is a fancy way of saying that the outcomes can often be positive when very little thought has been given to a particular decision. So what’s better? Over analysis or just taking a leap of faith based on what you feel in your gut? 

And why is this the question of the day? 

Well it kinda started because I was thinking about the fact that I have historically put a lot of thought into resolutions and goals, especially at the turn of a new year or new month. I love to think and ponder and plan. And sometimes it’s like February 15th and I’m still working on my list of resolutions for the year. It’s just so satisfying to put together the perfect plan and define all the steps and measures to meet that goal and then know I’ve thought about every angle that I’ll have no trouble executing it and being hella successful. 

The context here is not a New Year resolution or even a new month’s resolution, though. It’s bigger than all that because I’m at the start of the next decade of my life and facing a new season of existence. I’ve been feeling a change has been imminent for a while now but haven’t quite pinned down exactly what that is or means. So all the “thinking” at this point has very much been to figure it out. 

There are three things which I know to be absolutely true: 

1. Life will be whatever you make it.
2. You, and only you, can decide what that is. 
3. Nobody else is responsible for making that happen.

Keeping these in mind, I return to this nebulous notion that I’m on the precipice of change without a clear understanding of what “it” is and I know now that it’s up to me to define it. 

I suppose, in a way, all the thinking I’ve been doing and “experimenting” with small changes and transitions has led me to reasonably conclude a list of things I can rule out. Or maybe not rule out, but push to the background because they aren’t the focus of what’s next. 

It’s not publishing and doesn’t have anything to do with my writing career or my writing. Tangentially related is that it’s also not about the lit mag or my role in running that organization.

It’s not about getting more education, which is also something I’ve been considering for a while. 

It’s not about my relationships. I’m in a great place with most folks that are important to me and know that while my support of them and their support of me is essential for a stable existence, the focus of any change doesn’t really involve them. 

It’s something in me or about me as an individual who has been consistent in my constant motion toward a happier and healthier life.

Which is a strange thing for me to consider because when I started this blog six years ago, that was my reasoning. I was in need of change and making big moves to change my life.. I made a commitment to myself to strive to work, one day at a time, one step at a time, closer to the goal of a happier and healthier life.

The difference, for context, is that at that time my life was a holy mess. I was feeling dire on the daily and in desperate need of a big change. What I got, when I finally pulled the trigger on the first big change (quitting my job), was immediate relief and that decision is what led to a series of other very big and positive changes.

This time, as I contemplate being in this very “liminal” space, I’m not in dire straits. My life is amazing. I’m already pretty happy and healthy and want for very little.

I’m not saying I’ve arrived, because as I’ve often pointed out, happiness and health are both fleeting. You have to keep working at it or it will slip away. So it has to be something bigger than the daily struggle.

What I want is enlightenment. I want a deeper understanding of the Universe and my place in it. And bar-b-que potato chips. I also want lots of bbq chips paired with some sweet drink. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for, right? 

But seriously… this is all just thought, contemplation, and speculation. 

Writing is and has always been a way for me to work out what I think and feel about something, enough to find some peace in my heart and mind about whatever it is.

I’ve been writing and thinking (while walking on the treadmill) for about an hour now and I know I won’t come to any conclusion on this BIG topic today. Much more thought will be required.

I may just resolve to take the rest of this month to think on it without putting pressure on myself to decide on any action. Maybe I’ll make a plan to meditate each day for 10 minutes on the topic and that will make me feel like I’m actively working on figuring it all out, because goodness knows I love to check things off my to-do list. 😜

I just know my time here is up and anyway, once I start thinking about food, all other objectives kinda go out the window. You know… basic needs trump all.

To the chips, 

~Miss SugarCookie