Guess what? It’s before 6AM and I’ve been awake for almost two hours (surprise, surprise). I woke from a disturbing dream just after 4am and proceeded to think about what it meant and everything else. The election, my angst, my headache, not being in Texas , my friend taking her kitty to the ER last night, my depression, Jim and our relationship, and I felt so isolated and alone.
I literally laid in bed and went through a mental Rolodex of people I could possibly try to visit in person today just to have some live person to talk to. Pretty soon, when I had exhausted the list, as I don’t want to impose or feel like a burden to anyone I began to cry. It was horrible.
I didn’t want to get up and I didn’t want to stay in bed, held hostage by my thoughts. The final straw that forced me out of bed was not wanting to wake Jim up. He has to work a full day. It’s going to be a long day for him and he needs his sleep.
I went to my daughters room briefly to check on her and then I grabbed my water bottle and reading glasses and went down to the treadmill. But I really only got like 3 or 4 paragraphs in before I realized it was close to the time Jim’s alarm would be going off. I also decided that we needed each other more than sleep. He’s my person and I need to be able to rely on him even if it means his day will be a little longer.
I know he needed me too as I’ve been pretty distracted and unavailable lately. We’ve only have sex like once a week For several months now and for a newly married couple that’s not great.
I would say the primary cause is timing, as he’s so damn busy during the day and doesn’t have time for “us” until 8:30 or 9:30 at night. By that time I’m spent and have nothing left to give and just the thought of sex is exhausting. So I go to sleep and he goes to sleep and then we get up the next day with the alarm (Or before that in my case) and it starts All over again. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
That being said, I can’t deny that another big factor is my lack of desire. I just haven’t felt like making out. I can’t seem to get my body or mind to engage in that way and I know it’s obvious to him. Moments he initiated physical contact and I just pull away. Those moments are adding up.
I feel is there is something wrong with me, but then I pass it off with reasons like the pandemic or kids in the house or not good timing. It’s ridiculous.
When we first met we had sex all the time. Practically every time we spent the night together and sometimes daytime meetups too. I ask myself if this is just what happens after you’re married? Or is it really just the stress of life taking a toll right now.
In any case, I decided to slip back into bed just after 6am and I was the instigator, which I know he likes.
It ended up being mediocre but that didn’t matter. It felt good to be that close and feel wanted. It was exactly what I needed. And as I said, I know he felt the same way.
After that, the rest of our morning routine was the same. He got ready for work and I cooked breakfast, fed the fish, and then sat with him while he ate. I talked and threw cat treats to our kitties and he ate and listened which is the norm but the energy was different—more positive. I could feel it.
Today I drove him to work and now I’m back on the treadmill. It’s going to be a long, stressful day as it is for most Americans.
As I was cooking breakfast Alexa told me that temporary fencing and other measures have been put in place in and around Washington in anticipation for potential riots.
I sure hope all Americans, standing on the laurels of our founding fathers remember that a peaceful transfer of leadership is a cornerstone of our countries principles.
But if 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that people are fed up with the way things are. Folks are primed and ready for a fight and violence is the only language that they feel will be effective. We’ll see.
I’m truly hoping to capitalize on the positive energy to fuel me to get more done today. I need to quit procrastinating and get my act together.
It starts now.
Peace and Love,