That’s it. I’ve officially lost my mojo. I’ve attended three generative writing events this week and have failed in a big way to write anything (new). Everything is a rehash of something I’ve already written or just plain garbage nonsense. And I think I’m just going to give up trying and see what that life is like.
I really am.
You know, I’ve been struggling with my purpose in life lately. I gave up my career, dove head first into a very different life and lifestyle and now that I feel like I’m failing at everything, my confidence and self-worth are pretty dang low.
I have my health and that’s something, but my motivation has flatlined.
This event I went to today was a holiday reading and speed writing affair. I took about 4 pages of notes before I had to dip out to go pick my son up at the high school. He retook the ACT today and I played mom-taxi so he would for sure be there on time AND get some good eats to fuel his day.
Anyway, the reading was good, but the notes I took were crap and toward the end I was already thinking about how broken I am and how I’ll never write a good poem again (or story or essay or anything). I actually thought about making a New Years resolution to hide from the world all of 2022 and just enjoy life, not putting any pressure on myself to show up or write or do anything. Just a free pass to do nothing and be nothing for a whole year).
Sounds kinda like I might need that therapist I’ve mentioned a time or two before but I’ve been so unmotivated I can’t even make the phone calls.
It’s like I’ve got both feet outside the door but can’t move forward or decide on anything.
My kids and husband and our families are all healthy too. I’m think when I don’t feel like things are going so well at least I have that. The health factor. At least I have that to be grateful for and at this rate, I’ll probably live another 50 years.
Then I think… what the hell am I going to do for 50 more years? Good gravy!
My husband is so motivated and dedicated and has like some magical endless source of energy and motivation. It’s kinda ridiculous, in a wonderful way. He gets so much done every day, it would put most people to shame. I wonder how he does. It’s probably something I should know, you know. Since we’re married.
And he manages to also compliment me on every little thing I do. He works all day every work day and even on the weekends and somehow still remembers to thank me for breakfast every morning and say how nice the kitchen looks when he comes home.
He tells me how beautiful I am all the time and calls me sexy though I’ve never been sexy a day in my life. He knows I worry about my weight and makes a point to make sure I know he thinks I should actually gain a few more pounds. We’ve agreed to disagree on that point.
In fact, we don’t really disagree on much. The biggest arguments we’ve had turn into a joke about five minutes after they happen. He knows what upsets me and allows me license to vent. Then we let it go.
He’s also a very positive person, for the most part. Everyone needs to vent negativity sometimes and I try to be a good listener. It’s pretty easy actually because most of it has nothing to do with me or the house or kids so I’m indifferent and can just listen and try and offer encouraging support or suggestions.
Good golly… good didn’t intend for this to turn into a gooey-schmooch fest, but here we are.
I guess I’m just hunting for things to be grateful for so I can reframe the aimless way I’ve been feeling lately. I think I just need to try harder to focus on supporting my family and being at peace with the fact that that is my primary role now. Not as engineer and breadwinner, but the girl who holds the ladder for others.
I should just embrace it. And not put so much pressure on my creative brain to perform. Why do think I have to do tons of stuff everyday and be super productive or I’m not doing enough? Why can’t I just be happy taking it easy?
And why do I think if I’m not writing anything that I’m failing at life?
It should be enough to wake up everyday healthy, surrounded by people who care about me. It should. It really, really should.
My son reported that today’s ACT went much better than the first time. He paced himself better and answered all the questions instead of missing a bunch. He also did not have to take the writing portion this time which should be good because writing is his nemesis. He was positive that his score will be better. I hope so. I certainly think that what he’s potentially learned in school since the last time will benefit him greatly. He might be coasting with a C in Algebra 3, but he’s still learning.
My daughter who is away at UNL finished her finals this week (or is nearly done as they are all projects). She’s pulling straight ‘A’s and to that I say “that’s MY girl.”
She also went and got herself a boyfriend this semester and I can tell you even after 4 years of high school thinking that would happen any minute, I’m still not prepared.
It got serious pretty quickly and today her and her man are driving to his home town to meet his family. Tomorrow it’s our turn. That’s serious!! I just have to remember I was her age once and she’s a smart girl who knows what she wants.
Like both her parents she’s stubborn and headstrong and so this new Mr. isn’t going to get in the way of her goals. I hope. Ha!
So I guess that’s it. Today’s spin on life is reframing inadequacy into gratitude. Not bad for a one hour walk.
Cheers to holding other people’s ladders,