It’s August. It’s the 13th day of the month, and the 13th day in a row I’ve woken with a headache or a migraine. And I’ve been so, so tired.

Feeling tired all day is the result of struggling through these headaches, managing every moment like it’s the single cell of a spreadsheet that has to be perfected, the whole thing balanced on the edge of a blade. One wrong decision with meds or activities or interactions cuts me down, supine on the bed, on the floor, hands on my head, or covering my eyes. The pain, barely bearable.

This would make anyone tired I think, but then it occurred to me that although sleeping brings relief, it is not exactly revitalizing. If I’m struggling through sleep in the same way I am in the waking hours, I’m probably not really sleeping at all. I’m just half-assing it like I am with chores and the endless to-do list. I’m probably not getting deep sleep, just staying on the surface of it before slipping right to REM.

Each morning, I wake and within a few minutes of assessing my headache and determining what meds to take, I’m already tired – spent from the analysis and the simple act of making breakfast.

I ingest caffeine via coffee with cream and extra sugar for the kick and do what I can with that. Until I can’t. Then I take a break, and more meds, and eat some food, and maybe have more caffeine. Then repeat until it’s time to try and sleep.

My hubby says I should increase my daily dose of Gabapentin, which I reduced in May because I was doing so great. Gabapentin is supposed to prevent migraines and once I went a whole month without taking a Sumatriptan or Eletriptan, I cut back to 600 mg per day. It was glorious couple of months. I felt good and was able to get so much done! I was fire!

Not this month. Nope. Right now I’m doing the minimum each day and also a lot of kicking cans down the road, to tomorrow or next week. I had to cancel lunch with my mom last week, and when she asked about rescheduling, I said I probably shouldn’t. I need to wait and see. Also, if things with the headaches improve, I’ll be playing catch-up on a bunch of other stuff I’ve been putting off.

I’m only writing this because my gym membership was due, and I figured I’d go in person to pay for it, take a yoga class, hit the elliptical, and probably the dry sauna. At the moment I’ve got music in my ears and a little momentum, but I’m sure I’ll suffer later today when I’m dead. (can a person be dead and still be suffering?)

The yoga was tough. I haven’t been to the gym in over a month, and the teacher was new (new to me, as everyone else seemed to know her). In truth, I don’t do yoga that often anyhow, and there were flows today I’m not familiar with. Nothing like looking in the mirror only to discover you’re facing the opposite direction as everyone else in the class, legs splayed and planted wrong with the wrong arm up in the air.

Toward the end, the teacher walked to the back of the room and offered tips to correct my Pigeon Pose. It’s good to learn the right way to do a thing, but I’m so on the edge it brought tears to my eyes. That was one of the last poses before the end of the session, the Savasana. Corpse Pose. Yeah, I was ready.

For the entire final pose, I lay on my back with my eyes closed while tears welled up and streamed down the side of my face. I wasn’t listening to the teacher until I heard her say, “Let go.” All I could think was, I am trying. When we sat up to put our hands to heart center, I grabbed my towel to dab my eyes and wipe the wetness away. Maybe this was noticeable, but I don’t care. I’m human. It’s OK.

I have plenty of love and forgiveness in me. I just forget to gift them to myself. I’m working on that.

Maybe the daily headaches are helping in that regard. Because I can’t do as much as I’d like, things slip, and the only tool I have to feel better is forgiveness. I need to forgive myself to let go of the way this rotten circumstance is making me feel. AND I need a fully stocked medicine cabinet — healthy doses of Tylenol, Ibuprofen, Aspirin, Triptans, and Allegra D for my head and forgiveness for my heart. All might be necessary to manage an insulting number of tiny spreadsheet cells until I can fold the day in half like paper and slip it on the desk for tomorrow.

💗

Thank you for reading. I’m grateful.

Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie